The Last of My Gibberish for 2010

"As I walk through this wicked world
Searchin for light in the darkness of insanity.
I ask myself: Is all hope lost?
Is there only pain and hatred, and misery?
And each time I feel like this inside,
There's one thing I wanna know:
What's so funny bout peace love & understanding?
What's so funny bout peace love & understanding?"
Elvis Costello

Well, kids, it’s New Years Eve Day here on the lovely island of Guam. As I write this, there are less than 16 hours left in this, The Year of Our Lord 2010.

Now I could, if I really wanted to, go off on some maudlin rant about how 2010 was a shitty year, and then list all of the shittyness in detail. I won’t do that, though. That would be Wrong, Petty, and more importantly, Boring. No one wants to read that kind of whiny emo bullshit, no matter who writes it.

Let’s just say that 2010 was not one of my better years, and leave it at that.

I have absolutely zero plans for celebrating the coming of 2011. My lovely bride is spending this Holiday Season with her family in the Philippines, and they are planning on having a normal Filipino New Year. Lots of food, fireworks, and a little Craziness thrown in for good measure.

I, on the other hand, will probably be spending the evening in our apartment having a long serious talk with my personal physician, Dr. Bombay Sapphire. I have neither the money nor the desire to head out Amongst Them in the bars and hotels, indulging in Bad Behavior and using the excuse that it’s the beginning of a New Year to get away with it.

For me, New Years Eve just marks the fact that I have survived yet another year on this earth, above ground as it were, and haven’t yet had to take "The Long Dirt Nap". Who knows what the New Year has in store for me, or for any of us for that matter?

My hopes for 2011 are pretty simple, actually. Win the Guam Sports Bingo, retire to the Philippines, and spend a few weeks back in the good old US of A seeing a bunch of family and friends that I haven’t seen in a long time. I would dearly love to make a trip to Texas to see my daughter and meet my son-in-law and grand daughter. Go back to Colorado and see my parents, spend a little back porch time with my dad. Swing by Missouri for a few days, then on to Oregon for a few days before heading back to the Philippines and retirement.

When I mention “retirement”, I mean living a quiet life “under the radar”. Live in a small house out in the provinces. Enjoy the simple pleasures of life. Fresh pan de sal delivered by bicycle to my house every morning. Hearing the laughter of my wife and her sisters. A lazy afternoon in a hammock under two mango trees, a gentle breeze to cool my fat ass. Firing up the BBQ and indulging in some pork the way my wife cooks it. Simple stuff, true, but the thought of those things appeals to me.

Aside from that, I don’t have Plan 1.

On behalf of my insanely beautiful and wonderful wife, who I miss terribly, I wish you all a very Happy and Prosperous New Year, a year filled with peace and love. May your homes be filled with laughter, a song in your heart.

Prosit Neujahr!

Manigong Bagong Taon sa Inyo!

Akemashite Omedeto Gozaimasu.

Thoughts on the human condition from my point of view here in the cheap seats……..

I have been known, from time to time, to literally bite the hand that feeds me when it comes to talking trash about the people who sign my paycheck. With that said, though, I have to compliment those who manage my department. They held a department appreciation luncheon yesterday at one of the nicer hotels here on Guam, with just the people in my department in attendance. It was a chance to break away from the Bad Craziness and sit down together as a group and enjoy a fine meal together, all on the companies’ dime and the companies’ time. Although I am generally opposed to outings like this, I had a good time, ate some good food, and had a few laughs. Not a bad way to spend a Tuesday afternoon.

=+=

The Wife (aka The Gorgeous One) has extended her visit to the Philippines for a week, and is now due to arrive back on Guam on January 10. We talk every evening, just to let each other know that we’re still alive and still very much in love with each other. Short conversations that usually don’t last more than 5 minutes, but they mean a lot to me (and I think to her too).

Even though our apartment is relatively small, with her not here it seems a whole lot bigger and a whole lot emptier. It’s weird to say it, but I actually miss her occasional nagging when I screw up at home, like forgetting to take the trash out. Still, she’s getting to spend some time with her family and recharge, so I absolutely have no room to say anything. Hell, if we had the money, I’d be there too.

= + =

Much like the way I spent the Christmas holidays, I have absolutely zero plans for New Years Eve or Day. I may have a conversation with Dr. Bombay in the privacy of my own home that evening, but as to going out to a bar, that simply won’t be happening. It will be way to crowded and way too expensive, and without the wife being here, kind of pointless. New Year celebrations at my age are merely a celebration that you have managed to stay above ground for another year without doing significant harm to yourself or others, and not a reason to go spend tons of money with complete strangers getting shitfaced in a bar.

= + =

Being that I am an early riser, I have gotten into the habit of turning on the TV and flipping it to one of the CNN stations, since it seems that every other channel is rocking the infomercials at the hours I get up at. Because of that I have come to the conclusion that Headline News really contains no news at all. Stories that don’t matter a damn to anyone but the most superficial amongst us. The only reason to watch at all has to do with the eye candy who happen to be staffing the news desk. Richelle Carey is totally not hard on the eyes while dishing up the rubbish that passes for news on that station.

That is All Ye Know, and All Ye Need to Know, for now anyway.

They Didn't Tell and I Didn't Ask

A lot of people who know my background have recently been asking me my opinion concerning the recent repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, which as we all know dealt with gays now being able to serve openly in the military. After all, I did spent 15 years wearing the green suit and another 11 as a Department of Defense civilian.

Even though the President has already signed the legislation, there is still work to be done within the multilayered bureaucracy that makes up the DoD before it will actually take affect. You would think that some of the planners in the Pentagon would have maybe come up with some of the background stuff that would need to be kicked into gear in the event that it actually happened, and I think someone probably did. Still, it will take some time before the new internal policies and procedures are in place before it will be truly safe for gays to openly admit their sexuality while wearing the uniform.

In my time in uniform, I knew more than a few people who were gay and serving. Some of them kept it totally on the down-low, and a person would be hard pressed to guess that the soldier in question was gay. Others I have known, to include a couple of noncommissioned officers, were damn near stating it point blank. My mind wanders back to a staff sergeant I knew on Okinawa who was so flamboyant that you just knew he was gay. He carried himself like a drag queen while wearing BDU’s, called nearly everyone who he was friendly with “Honey”, and practically had “I Like Cock” tattooed on his forehead. A walking stereotype, to be sure. He was also, I might add, a good NCO, a friend, and a superb technician.

Having said all of that, I never had any problems with gays in uniform, and don’t now. We all need someone to love, and all have our own personal attractions as to what we as individuals feel is beauty and what turns us on sexually. Who the hell am I to judge anyone on something as personal as who someone should love? There is an old axiom that says that “there are no atheists in foxholes”, and I think the same can be said about an individual sexuality. When the shit hits the fan, no one cares a damn who or what you happen to lick/suck/fuck when you’re in the privacy of your own bedroom (the exception being those who happen to dig children and furry creatures). By and large, most people just care that you’ll hold up your end and be someone that can be depended upon. Do your duty and take care of your end of the deal. Everything else is just details.

Much like when the military was integrated back in the 50’s, there will be some bumps in the road when this is all said and done. There will be more than a few problems that crop up and will have to be dealt with. For that matter, here we are in The Year of Our Lord 2010 and people are still dealing with racial issues, albeit not so much in the military. In the end, the repeal of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” will have much the same affect. A little bit of bullshit in the beginning, but in the end, not that big a deal.

I think in a decade or so, people will look back on DADT and wonder what all the fuss and bother was about.

An Update of Sorts

“I have tried to live my life so that my family would love me and my friends respect me. The others can do whatever the hell they please.”
John Wayne

We were standing outside smoking the other day when one of my friends from Saipan called. Our company (Totally Bogus Communications**) has two offices; one here on Guam and the other on Saipan. He called to tell us about the Christmas party the company had the other night (and that the company paid for). What he didn’t realize is that we here on Guam didn’t and aren’t going to have a Christmas party. He also mentioned that our beloved CEO and various other Managers flew in the day before the event so they could pay a short visit to the staff there, before adjourning to the golf course and their mistresses. My friend also mentioned the fact that the prime rib that was on the menu really kicked ass.

This struck me as wrong, in that our Christmas party here on Guam was cancelled. It also struck me wrong in that our CEO and various other hangers on had no problem flying to Saipan and spending two nights in a very nice hotel at company expense, while at the same time our Finance people nickel and dime us to death. This is the same CEO who can’t be bothered to walk across the street to the department where I work to visit the people who make his network function.

Yeah, I’m feeling the Christmas spirit from those who I work for, if by the Christmas spirit you mean the spirit of Ebenezer Scrooge prior to the visit by the Ghosts.

+=+

I sent an email to all 3 of my bosses the other day asking, point blank, whether or not we were going to get Holiday Bonuses, expecting to get absolutely no answer. Surprisingly, one of my bosses replied to the email in my favor, telling our next boss that if we aren’t going to have a Christmas party, the least they could do is give us a small stipend, show a little love. Surprising me again, our COO replied that he didn’t know of any plans to give us bonuses, but he would ask the CEO if it were going to happen or not.

Some of my friends thought it was pretty bold of me to ask the question. In my head, it was a pretty easy thing to do. The worst they could tell me is no, which is what I expected anyway.

Late this morning, we actually received a bonus, of sorts. We all received a Christmas card that contained a $50 gift certificate to be spent at Pay-More-For-Less, which is our local grocery store chain here on Guam. Money would have been nicer, but as someone once told me, “Never kick a gift horse in the balls”. As soon as I got mine, I used my lunch hour to spend it, the logic being that the bastards might change their minds about it and make us give them back.

+=+

For those who are unaware, my beloved Wife flew back to the Philippines last Saturday. Since she works at an elementary school, and the school let out for Christmas vacation last Friday, we figured a few months back that it would be a Good Thing for her to fly to the PI for a few weeks, rather than sitting at home doing nothing. She’s also there to get an MRI on her neck to see if there is something more serious than a pinched nerve in her neck.

It’s another Christmas alone for me, but it’s really not that big a deal. Christmas hasn’t meant much to me since my daughter got into her teenage years. Add to that the fact that I’ve been a shift worker for most of my adult life, and getting Christmas off was a very rare thing when I did work shift. My plans for Christmas Day are to do as little as possible, watch some movies, eat a lot of junk food, and maybe have a long discussion with Dr. Bombay later that evening.

Normally, I always send out Christmas cards to everyone, but just didn’t feel up to it this year. As I’ve said before, the Christmas Spirit has eluded me this year for some strange reason. With that said, though, I wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas and a joyous and prosperous New Year. 2010 has been an iffy year for me, and I’m hoping that 2011 is a lot better.

Happy Holidays, Ya’ll.

** Not the real name of the company I work for, but it fits nonetheless

Fictional and Real

Maybe it’s only me, but it seems like there are times when some of the people in our lives start to resemble fictional characters. You look at someone or interact with that person, and a thought pops into your brain. “This person reminds me of (someone from a movie, book or TV show)”. It’s happened to me a couple of times recently, when my mind starts to wander and nothing is on TV worth watching.

Phoebe Buffay (from Friends) = Coworker
Beautiful, funny, but not very bright. She’s nice, but you wouldn’t want to discuss deep subjects with her, because you’ll lose her in about a nanosecond. Think a combination of Phoebe and Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter. Ditzy but loveable nonetheless.

Moon (from the great Chinese movie Hero) = Coworker
Initially upon meeting her, you might think she’s a bit timid. Underneath it all, though, is a warrior waiting to come out when necessary. Like Moon, she’s beautiful in her own way; not breathtakingly beautiful but a beauty that is subtle. Quite easy to like her.

Jabba the Hut (Star Wars) = Coworker
Doesn’t have the criminal mind like Jabba, but looks a lot like him. Slovenly appearance, grossly overweight, almost greasy. Not someone a normal person likes to spend a lot of time with.

Sig Hansen (from The Deadliest Catch) = Friend
OK, Sig isn’t a fictional character, but my friend reminds me a lot of him. Totally focused on work, with a sense of humor that comes out in unpredictable but insanely amusing ways. Has “been there, done that” all over the world.

Dolores Umbridge (from Harry Potter) = Company HR Director
She gives off a vibe that says “The person in charge of the company is never, ever wrong”, much like the fictional Ms. Umbridge did in the Harry Potter movies when referring to the Minister of Magic. Like Umbridge, she’s also a colossal pain in the ass, writes a LOT of policies that are generally ignored or thought to be idiotic, and carries herself as if she is far better than everyone around her. She and the Executive Management Team are Purebloods, and the rest of us are either Mudbloods or, even worse, Muggles. Too bad we don’t have a centaur herd to introduce her to like Harry and Hermione did. Referred to around my office as “She Who Must Not Be Named”.

Young Obi Wan Kenobi (from the Star Wars prequels) = One of My Friends
Wise beyond his years. Knows a lot of shit and not afraid to share knowledge. Has a mischievous side that comes out on occasion. Needless to say, I love the guy to death.

The Sith Lord (Star Wars Episode III) = Company Executive
Evil down to his very core. Bizarre sense of humor about things that aren’t funny. Tries to convince people of shit that is dumb or makes no sense. Hated by many but doesn’t really care. Has his own agenda, and religiously sticks to that agenda.

Chandler Bing (from Friends)/Harry Potter = Me
I can relate a lot to Chandler. We’re both fucked up in our own way, married to women who are way too beautiful and way too good for us. Both of us like goofy shit. Harry and I both know that we are “the other thing”. We both have a close group of friends that we interact with and don’t stray far from those friends.

These are just some of the people in my life who share a close resemblance to some of the characters who have popped up in popular culture. I’m sure that we all know people who remind us of other people. Some of these revelations are funny; others are somewhat disturbing.

This That and Quite Possibly the Other Thing

“Hey goodbye all you punks, stay young and stay high, Hand me my checkbook as I crawl off to die, Like a woman in childbirth grown ugly in a flash, I’ve seen magic and pain now I’m recycling trash.”
The Who “They’re All In Love”

Notes, tidbits, and other garbage concerning work, life, and other varied gibberish.


Both the Gorgeous One and I are suffering the ill effects of aging recently. The wife is still bothered a lot by the pinched nerve in her neck and has been getting treatment with a chiropractor. I am suffering from what I call “Shit Just Hurts”. Knees, hips, and I’m having a weird problem with my left hand that is impacting my Quality of Life. Getting older sucks, but it beats hell out of the alternative.

= + =

As I reported in another blog that I have posted, our company has cancelled our annual Christmas get together. For me personally, it’s not a big deal because I never go to these things. Historically I look upon company gatherings in the same way I look at prostate cancer and penis surgery without anesthesia, meaning things I want nothing to do with. With that said, though, there are a lot of people in my company who actually look forward to these events. Get your eat on, have a few drinks, socialize with people in other departments, have a little fun.

The cancelling of the Christmas party has not stopped our Managers from scheduling their own little soiree at one of the local hotels (if you work for the company, you get one guess as to WHICH hotel). After working for the military for 26 years, I get that the leaders of an organization need to get together once in a while in a social setting away from the office. In the military, they call these things “Officers Call” or “Officers Dining Out”, and I agree that they are probably Good Things, even in a civilian setting. Where the leaders (OK in my company there are no leaders, only managers) get together and talk in a social setting about issues of the day. Maybe a few remarks about where we want to go in the future.

By cancelling the Christmas party, though, and going through with this little event, it sends an understated message to those people like myself, “in the trenches”, the ones with the dirt under their fingernails. That message is, “Screw you people. We, your Betters, are gonna have our fun. Oh, and by the way, don’t even DREAM about Christmas bonuses, because those won’t be happening this year, if ever.”

Even if that isn’t the intended message, it speaks volumes without actually saying a word.

= + =

In this day and age, a lot of company’s use email as a way to get information to their employees. I agree that it’s a wonderful tool for doing that, especially in organizations where weird hours and geography come into play. With that said, what do you call people who insist on doing “reply alls” to emails, even those that say “reply directly to me” in their content? The names I have for them are:

Retarded

Learning Disabled

Riders of the Short Bus

Egotistical Fornicators of Swine (because they feel that EVERYONE INVOLVED should know what their insignificant opinions are)

= + =

There are at least three people I know in my company who have received offer letters from other organizations in the past week. Sadly, most of them are really good at their jobs and are really good people. Two of them I love like brothers. While I am selfish when it comes to working with good people, I totally understand the fact that they are jumping. Hell, I wish I were in their shoes.

= + =

This apparently has been deemed The Week to Bleed for me. Three days in a row, something has happened at work that has caused me to lose blood. Monday it was my foot with a cut that basically ruined a pair of socks. Tuesday, the left index finger with a blister that popped and then started bleeding. Yesterday I accidently cut the tip of my right index finger, badly but not enough to require stitches, with the razor knife I carry on my belt to cut through cable insulation.

Yeah, it’s been one of Those Weeks.

Jobs Are Not Necessarily Professions

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy”
– Groucho Marx

There are people who would argue that there is no difference between what would be considered a “job” and a “profession”. I would tend to disagree with this argument.

A profession is something that someone throws themselves into lock, stock, and barrel. What they do for a living in many ways defines who they are as a person. There is a certain level of excitement and enthusiasm involved with having a profession. You live and breathe what you do, can’t wait for the next day to begin so you can engage in activities directly related to that profession.

On the other hand, a job is something that a person does to put food in their bellies and a roof over their heads. A job is often something that is soul-crushing. While we may as individuals be proud of what we do , the work we do doesn’t define who we are as individuals. It’s something that we must do in order to take care of the ones we love, to feed ourselves, and something we just have to do in order to get through life in one piece. Many people who have jobs hate what they have to do in order to survive, and if they had a real choice, would probably be doing something else.

In my adult life, I have had both jobs and professions. Ironically, I’ve had both with the current company I work for, all within the space of about four years.

When I first started, and for the first year or so I was excited about doing what I was doing. I worked with great people, great managers and leaders, and believed what I was doing had an impact on peoples lives. People would see the company logo emblazoned across my chest and back, and I was proud to wear that logo. People would ask me, “Are you with (that company name)?”and I would always proudly reply that, yes I am.

Now, when someone asks the question, say, when I’m standing in line to buy a cup of coffee, I cringe. Because I know what’s coming - the complaints. Bad craziness from people who think that if I talk to the guy from that company, shit will get fixed. There I am, relatively innocent, getting abused by a stranger for reasons I have zero control over.

Nope, I no longer have the same feelings as before. Now it’s a job and nothing more. The way I have at my disposal to pay my rent, put food in my wife’s stomach, pay my alimony. A lack of leadership and basic Managerial Cluelessness have caused my faith to wane, hard. Try as I might to focus on the positive and forget about the negative, I’m afraid that it just isn’t working.

A lot of people I know are bailing out, leaving the sinking ship. Others are actively seeking other ways to pay for shit, and not all are by definition morally upright things. Still others have their resumes handy on their desktops and pounce on opportunities as they become available.

Kinda sad, really.

I'm Bringing It Back

Obscene language has changed over the years. What were one considered as “taboo”, “naughty”, “foul” or “dirty” words are in many instances a part of the cultural landscape now. Their use has evolved; they are used so much now that we just take them for granted.

The word “fuck” comes to immediately to mind in my head when it comes to words or phrases that have lost some of their power. With the advent of rap music and other pop culture twists, the word has lost a lot of its power as a “bad word”. While it’s still not a word that can easily be used in, say an office environment or the Vatican, out in the real world it’s used so much as to have lost a lot of its punch.

That’s why I’m bringing the use of the word “cunt” back.

In the book Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue, the word is described as “a nasty name for a nasty thing” or “a very despicable person”. (Love that word, despicable). Someone horrible, rotten to the core, bad, unredeemable, nasty, terrible, hideous, atrocious.

It has mostly been used throughout the years as an offensive term used to describe the vagina. Now I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve never used the word in that particular context. There are far better sounding words that can be used to describe the vagina, which truth be told is one of my favorite anatomical parts, and the one that gets most men in a whole lot of trouble.

Cunt used to be used in a lot of British comedy, such as Monty Python’s Flying Circus, and in many British sitcoms. While it was considered a bad thing to call someone, there was also a quaintness about it, along with a good bit of humor. Someone would call someone else “a silly cunt” and you would laugh about it.

These days, it’s considered by many to be worse than using the word fuck. Taboo. Forbidden. “The Word Not To Be Used” (taking a Harry Potter-Voldemort sort of spin against it). I think we the general public should exploit that badness, that awesome ugliness, and use it more. When speaking about a woman in a derogatory fashion, the word most often used is the word “bitch”, and it too has lost a lot of its punch and power over the years. Again, rap music had a hand in it through the use of phrases like “bitches and ho’s” but rap isn’t totally to blame. It’s a common word even on basic cable these days. Even sitcoms aired in prime time use the word.

“She’s just being bitchy”.
“She acted like a real bitch towards him.”

I am proposing that we all try to use the word cunt more in our daily speech, and not just when talking about a person who is evil or just plain wrong. No, I think we should use it to refer to anyone, male or female, who is stupid or evil or just an overall pain in the ass.

“That guy just cut me off in traffic. What a cunt that guy is.”
“Your boss is a real cunt.”
“John’s son just spit on me. He’s about a spoiled little cunt.”

See? There’s power in that little word. Power that tells the listener exactly how horrible the person being spoken about actually is. Very little ambiguity involved if you refer to someone in this way. Just the way the word sounds coming off of the tongue expresses distain. If said with enough menace behind it, there is even some evil that comes with it.

Language, like a lot of things, evolves over time. In the world of slang, I think it’s about time for cunt to make a comeback, so to speak. Use it in daily conversations, print it on t-shirts, in advertising.

“Yes, I Know I’m a Cunt”
“It’s Cuntilicious”
“Cunt-like behavior”
"Cuntageous"