Those of you who don’t live here on the lovely island of Guam may not be familiar with the concept of boonie hens. I would like to take a moment to explain exactly what they are and what my problem is with them.
Boonie hens are in fact wild chickens, belonging to no one in particular. They roam the island, going wherever they want, usually unbothered by most of the population. The only place where there doesn’t seem to be preponderance of boonie hens is in the tourist areas in Tumon, where all the hotels are at. Every place else on the island, you can hear roosters crowing.
Where I live, they roam through the backyard of my apartment building, and in the evening, roost in the mango trees outside my lanai (yes, they can fly but not far). The Gorgeous One (my wife) has no problems with them because every now and then they will lay eggs on our lanai and she eagerly scoops them up. Fresh eggs are fresh eggs, and free ones are even better, according to her.
My problem is the noise. When I get home after a hard day of toil, I don’t want to hear all of the crowing, especially when the bastards are settling in for the night. Sometimes they make a LOT OF NOISE. The roosters also feel that between the hours of 4-6 AM is a fine time to crow. For a person who is a Chronic Insomniac who values his sleep, this is Not A Good Thing.
I made a casual reference to this problem to my supervisor one day as we were taking a smoke and coffee break. Her answer was pretty simple. “Get yourself a BB gun”, she told me. Since my supervisor is one of those tree hugging animal lovers who regularly volunteers at a local animal shelter and loves all kinds of creatures, I found this answer, coming from her, a little shocking. Seeing the disbelief on my face, she elaborated. “They’re boonie hens. No one will care. Think of them as rats. Just shoot ‘em”. A trip to Kmart and the expenditure of $15 and I was set.
The first night I had the BB gun, it was as if the hens sensed that trouble had come to town, because that evening they decided to be very quiet. A good thing, since I was prepared to kick chicken butt. Alas, the peace would not last long, because the next night, after walking into the apartment with my ass dragging, there arose a serious ruckus from the lanai. Not one but three roosters were raising holy hell out there, and I wasn’t having it.
Grabbing up my trusty Crossman, I headed for the lanai. The first rooster was in the mango tree closest to our lanai, a distance of maybe 10 feet. Now, I can be an asshole whenever I want, but for some reason I didn’t want to kill these birds. Just merely hurry them along to somewhere else. With that in mind, I took aim and shot the first rooster dead in the ass. The BB found its mark, and the bird went apeshit crazy trying to get out of that tree, basically losing its mind. Reload and the next target of opportunity gets a round in its ass. More serious noise as the hens bailed out of those trees. Within 5 minutes, peace and quiet that lasts for maybe 30 seconds.
This time, the noise is coming from The Gorgeous One, who at this moment is not amused. She gets a little mad at me, telling me that the birds are only doing what nature intended them to do. My counterargument is that I have no problem with them doing what comes naturally, as long as they do it Somewhere Else.
Every once in a while I have to remind the birds that the mango trees are Off Limits. Let’s face it, chickens are some of the dumbest animals God ever put on this earth, with a limited amount of short term memory. They eat their own feces and are a pain in the ass. Once in a while, the brutes need to be reminded that there is evil lurking behind the screen door. Marlin Perkins I ain’t, and BB’s are cheap. The only good chicken is one roasted over a fire or deep fried.
Screw it – we can buy eggs. Peace and quiet is priceless.
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