Some Things Never Change

Well, kidlings, it’s that most wonderful time of the year again. The Christmas spirit is already in the air, people are gearing up for the holiday season, making plans to see loved ones and overeat. Overspend and max out your credit cards buying shit that will be forgotten about two hours after the wrapping has been removed. I know that sounds kind of harsh, but for me I haven’t felt very Christmas-y since my daughter was living at home. It just doesn’t feel the same as when you have kids in your house as when you are by yourself.

It is also time for Christmas parties within the various workplaces, which is the subject of this little story.

I thought, after last year’s debacle with Mandatory Fun for our company Christmas party that our company would have learned. For a while, I thought that they did. All of us were informed well in advance that there would be a Christmas party at a nice hotel, and I was actually planning on attending said function.

My company had made reservations well in advance for the hotel and plonked down a huge deposit for the hall and the food. They had a committee of employees put together to plan it all out, and from what I heard from the sidelines, they actually had their collective shit together. Like I said, I was actually looking forward to attending this event, and if you know anything at all about me, that’s a rare thing. I generally HATE company gatherings, other than the one we do to raise money for cancer.

Alas, it is not to be. The employees were informed earlier this week that the Christmas party had been cancelled. Apparently, the cancellation took place for a couple of reasons, although none of them were made known to the general employee population. The information I got came from sources that were involved in the actual planning of the festivities.

The first was that it was scheduled for a Saturday night, and some of the Upper Management decided, at the last minute, that people might actually consume alcoholic adult beverages if an event were held on a Saturday night. Since that was a distinct possibility, it’s a good enough reason to cancel the event. Really? You mean, grown adult people who are above the Legal Drinking Age might decide that having a couple of belts with their coworkers would be a good way to have a little fun? Say it isn’t so! People might want to drink a couple of drinks, tell funny stories about things that happen at work, and actually have a good time? Perish the thought, we can’t have that.

The second reason that I heard directly from a member o f the committee was that there is a meeting that will be happening amongst the big-wigs during the week leading up to the party. It was felt by a member of Senior Management that after that week of meetings, that none of the managers involved in said meetings would be in the Holiday Spirit. So, because the managers would be down in the mouth, the employee Christmas party was also cancelled. Because, if the managers were in a foul mood, then the employees certainly don’t deserve a little party paid for by the company, to show the company’s appreciation for all of their hard work during the year. No no, can’t have that.

Now I know a couple of the people who sat on this little planning committee, and I know for a fact that they had nothing to do with the party being cancelled. No, it was one member of Senior Staff who made these decisions. Basically told the committee members, “Thanks for your great ideas, but we’re cancelling it anyway. Too bad, tough shit. Oh, and by the way, don’t even think about Christmas bonuses”

What does all of this say to the employees? Pretty simple actually. It says, right out loud in front of God and everyone, that the company simply doesn’t appreciate its employees. Doesn’t give a shit about them.

Another odd thing about all of this is that all of the Senior Managers have been silent about it. No emails saying why it was cancelled. No explanations. Nothing. “Hello down there to all you pissants and worker bees. Just to let you know, we were gonna have a Christmas party, but we cancelled it. All of the managers will be bummed out, and we’re afraid that some of you might have one too many and really tell us what you think. As if we really cared what you drones and peasants actually think about anything. Also, forget about Christmas bonuses. The word “bonus” is hereby banned from the corporate vocabulary unless you are a member of Senior Staff of course. Keep working hard and making money for the stockholders.”

If it says anything at all, it just shows how out of touch with reality and the work force the management team is where I work at. They pay lip service to actually caring about the employees, when in fact we the employees know that they don’t.

One of the funniest things about this whole situation has to do with the facility that we were going to have the party at. Apparently, the Senior Staff member who was behind the cancellation actually got pissed off when the hotel told said Senior Staff person that, because the company cancelled at such a late date, you don’t get your rather significant deposit back. Nope, not one cent. This I find very amusing, but then again, whenever this particular member of Senior Staff gets screwed over, I find it amusing. In fact, hilarious.

So, because our Senior Management hasn’t felt the need to do so, I am providing the official Christmas Message to all my fellow employees:

“Work Harder, You Bastards. Christmas is Cancelled. Fuck Off and Die, but Do So on Your Own Time”

The most wonderful time of the year, indeed. I feel warm all over.

Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

I freely admit it; I’m a Harry Potter geek. This series of books has to rank up there as one of the best told stories in literature. Some would write it off as “kid’s literature”, but these are the same people who have never read the books. Not only is the story a riveting one, it’s also well told. J.K. Rowling just has a style that pulls you in and never lets go. The books are insanely good, and the movies that have come out of the books have been done really well up till now. At 47 years of age, I am unashamedly a fan of both.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 opened in theaters last Friday night, and I was fortunate enough to get two free tickets to attend. Since The Gorgeous One (my bride) isn’t into HP or the cinema in general, she let me to go and see it without her. That’s probably a good thing, since it probably wouldn’t have done her any good mentally to see her 47 year old husband go totally geek.

Going in to the movie, I already knew why they made two movies out of the last book in the series. The fact is that within Deathly Hallows, J. K. Rowling covered a lot of ground in the story of Harry and Co. I also knew that even with splitting the book into two movies, some scenes would be cut back drastically to only show the critical plot points.

The opening of the movie is quite somber, as the main characters get ready to start on the quest for the horcruxes. Harry says goodbye to the Dursleys, and reminisces about what life has been like in that house when he revisits the little space underneath the stairway where he used to sleep. The scene where Hermione wipes her parent’s memory of her existence kind of sets the stage for this darkest in the Harry Potter series, In the book she only explains it, but actually seeing it was really sad. Voldemort and his followers gathered around a large table is also quite menacing and just felt more menacing on the screen than it did in the book. It’s a dark opening because it’s a dark book, as war is just around the corner.

The filmmakers did a good job putting all of the pieces of this very complicated story together into something cohesive. There is a lot of ground to cover, and they could not have covered it any better, unless they were planning on making two 4 hour movies.

To be honest, while I understood why they did it, the shrinking of some of the events in the movie kind of made them lose some of the weight that they had in the book. For example, in the book, Harry, Ron and Hermione are stuck in Sirius’s house after the wedding for a long time trying to decide what they are going to do. In the movie, they made it seem like a couple of days at most. The same goes for their time jumping around from place to place in hiding. The scene where the main characters escape from the Malfoy house wasn’t nearly what I thought it was when reading it off the written page, and again seemed a lot briefer in the movie than it was in the book.

But these are minor complaints at best. Visually, the movie is really well put together, with more of the incredible special effects we have come to expect in the series. The fight to get Harry to the Weasley house; the search in the Ministry of Magic for the locket of Slytherin; all of them. The effects were so good that I actually jumped in my seat during the scene in Godrick’s Hollow where Harry is fighting Nagini. This is spite of the fact that I KNEW what was going to happen, having read the book. The colors and the scenes just seemed to pop out of the screen, as it they had been fine tuned.

Part 1 ends with the death of Dobby and the acquisition of the Elder Wand by Voldemort, which I thought was probably the best place to end the first part of the story. All in all, I was really happy with what I saw, and can’t wait to see Part 2. I want to see how they handle the battle scene at the end, and the epilogue especially. If you haven't read the books or seen any of the movies, don't waste your time going. You won't understand anything that happens because you don't have anything to base it on. If you haven’t seen the flick yet, take thyself to your local metroplex forthwith and plonk down your hard earned and be prepared to be entertained for a couple of hours. You won’t be disappointed.

Personal Rules and Idiot Updatage

“When I'm sittin on a toilet, in a house that I dont know,

Looking all around me where the toilet paper goes,

Feeling real uneasy, feeling real uncertain,

Cause I gotta wipe my butt again,
With the shower curtain,

Its those little thangs, those little itty bitty thangs,

Its those little things like that, that piss me off”

Rodney Carrington – It’s Those Little Things that Piss Me Off


I’m trying to impose some new rules on myself at work. It’s not that I’ve done anything wrong my own self. No, these rules, if I follow them, will probably help me keep some of my sanity intact, and help keep my blood pressure down a little bit.

This is what I’m gonna try to do starting today:

+ Say as little as humanly possible to coworkers except for my closest friends. Keep it short, sweet, and to the point.

+ Severely limit all interaction with managers/supervisors/executive management weasels. Most of the people I work for have their own particular agendas that are evil, stupid and just plain Wrong, and it’s getting really hard to not get in their faces.

+ Avoid corporate headquarters (also known as “The Death Star” or “The House that Fellatio Built”). I used to love going over there and casually flirting with some of the women that work over there and making a few people laugh along the way. I do have some friends that work in that building, people I really like as friends and coworkers, but sadly, there is just too much other bullshit to deal with when I go over there. That and the fact that every time I leave that building, I feel the sudden urge to get a shower and maybe a tetanus shot.

+ Spend more time at outlying communications facilities that I am responsible for and less time at my office. By doing that, there is less chance that I will lose my temper when I observe idiotic behavior, and it will also allow me to avoid certain people better.

If I’m able to do all of the above or even most of them, I think the chances that I will continue to go home pissed off will greatly diminish.

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The two butt-lickers that work in my office are at it again. One of them is clapped up with the Death Flu, and rather than stay his morbidly obese ass home and recover, he comes to work and spreads his filthy disease amongst everyone. It’s a known fact that people who work in close quarters spread diseases amongst themselves, which is a fact that Dickless has not learned yet. The guy doesn’t even have the common decency to cover his mouth when he coughs, and he coughs a LOT. The other one just pisses me off by walking in the room. He and I don’t talk to each other at all unless absolutely necessary, even for the sake of basic human politeness. I don’t think he’s figured it out yet that everyone who works with him feels that he’s utterly useless and is only keeping his job because he is someone in managements bitch. He’s an idiot who has his own delusions of grandeur.

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Both of the women in my life are having health issues, and both of them have me worried. The Awesome Daughter just had a CT scan done to try to find out what the hell is wrong with her ear, which has been causing her a lot of grief lately. The Gorgeous One (a.k.a. The Wife) is still dealing with a pinched nerve issue in her neck that is driving her crazy. To top that off, I’m having a few health issues of my own that I will be going to go see a doctor about. Numbness in ring and pinkie fingers on my left hand that for no apparent reason. Rashes that come and go along with itching that only popping Zyrtec helps with. I’ll make an appointment to see my curmudgeon of a doctor next week and see if he can find out what the hell is wrong with me.

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The movie I have been waiting all year for is finally coming out tomorrow, and I’m real excited about it. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 hits the theaters, and I really want to go see it. The wife probably won’t want to go because she’s not into HP, but I’m gonna go. My company is giving away 10 sets of tickets in a raffle, and maybe I can even go for free.

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That is All Ye Know and All Ye Need to Know, for now anyway.

Jammage

As anyone who has known me well realizes, music is one of my passions. It’s my hiding place, where I can go and escape the weirdness and reality of the real world and focus on nothing. Forget all about all of my troubles, frustrations, stupid shit. Let the tunes take my psyche somewhere good, somewhere pure. No bills, no crazy people, no idiots. Put the headphones on or sit in the car and crank up the power, let the jammage wash over me, get some cleanliness on my soul. If I’m alone or in a car, I can’t help but sing along with my horribly off tune voice that makes me happy regardless.

I find it interesting to know what friends are listening to because it kind of lets you know where they are and what’s making them feel good. Here are some of the things I have be wrapping my brain around lately.

The Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald – Gordon Lightfoot
They just celebrated the anniversary of the sinking of the Edmond Fitzgerald not too long ago, which reminded me of this great song. Stark and somber, perfect voice that are singing descriptive words, with a great guitar underlying all of it. Gordon Lightfoot tells the story in such a way that you’re just immediately drawn in, wanting to know what happened. It’s sad, but at the same time it honors the 29 men who died.

Wolf Creek Pass – C.W. McCall
An old song from the 70’s that I hadn’t heard in a while until recently. For those of you unfamiliar with it, it’s the story of two guys driving a truck loaded with chickens over the pass and the Bad Craziness that happens. A hilarious song that makes me laugh and smile even today. I love a lot of C.W.’s work, but this is my favorite, with “Crispy Critters” coming in a close second.

Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner – Warren Zevon
Another genius who died way too young, Zevon gave us so many great jams. A mercenary who gets murdered by his “friend”, and comes back from the grave to get his revenge.

Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me – Elton John
I don’t know what drove me to this song recently, but something did and did so in a big bad way. A favorite for singing in the car at the top of your lungs and not giving a shit what the guy in the next lane thinks. Beautiful lyrics, and probably my favorite Elton John song.

Jewish Princess – Frank Zappa
Love me some Frank Zappa, for the simple reason that he makes me think and laugh at the same time. Frank was a master at wordplay and does so masterfully. The line about “she squeaks when she comes” is just too funny!

Walk On Medley – Boston
Layered power chords, basically one song broken down into four separate parts. Orchestrated electrical goodness that demands to be played loud. Sometimes a brother just has to rock out.

Goodbye Earl – Dixie Chicks
The greatest song about premeditated murder/revenge ever written, bar none. Funny as hell with a great bit of music interweaving in the story. I love the Chicks, and this is one of my favorites. The video, featuring Dennis Franz as Earl, is really good. “We’ll pack a lunch, and stuff you in the trunk, Earl”.

These are just some of the many things I have been injecting into my head, and they help me maintain what is left of my sanity.

That Morbid Monday Feeling Strikes Again

“But there's a warnin' sign on the road ahead
There's a lot of people sayin' we'd be better off dead
Don't feel like Satan, but I am to them
So I try to forget it, any way I can.”
Neil Young – Rockin’ In The Free World

Well, kidlings, another weekend has passed by, and I’m actually happy that it is up and gone. I’m dealing with some weirdness at home, some “marital strife” that we are going through. I won’t go into too many details, but let’s just say that we haven’t been getting along very well. Some of it is of my own doing, and some of it is not. Let's just say that there hasn't been a whole hell of a lot of laughter at my house lately, and leave it at that.

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Enough of the maudlin shit. I’m trying to put together an audition CD for one of the local radio stations in the hope that I can nail down some employment as what they refer to as an “On Air Personality”. When I was in high school, I always thought that being a Disk Jockey would be the coolest job in the world to have. Getting paid to play music and talk shit seems like it would be a whole lot of fun, and it’s something I would love to try. Don’t know how it will go, but if you don’t try then you’ll never know. At the same time, I’m gonna send in some writing samples from some of the local magazine work I’ve done, so if the DJ thing isn’t their particular cup of tea, then maybe I could do some part time writing.

It’s all about trying something new, and at the same time, finding ways to generate some additional cash money for me own self. This has all of the appearances of being another Bleak Christmas, and I’m doing what I can to at least pick up enough extra cash to get my loved ones some decent Christmas presents, especially my granddaughter.

Fingers crossed (and maybe dicks too).

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Starting to believe that Guam Sports Bingo (our version of the lottery) is fixed. I play a couple of times a week, and for the past 6 months or so, haven’t won anything. I have won small prizes twice, one for $52 and another for $35, but lately it just seems like I’m throwing money down a hole. I keep telling myself “don’t do it” but in the end I end up at the grocery store buying another ticket. I’ll then log on to their web site the night after the draw, and find that most of the time I don’t even come close to winning anything.

I just broke down and bought another ticket, because the way my finances are, I need me a miracle and soon. I’m not greedy; just an extra $5,000 would help me out a lot right now. The jackpot is now at $12 Million, but even a small part of that would help out a ton.

I believe that miracles happen, and right now I could use one, financially speaking.

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My obsessive ways have reared their ugly heads again. First it was playing Full Tilt Poker online (play money; I’m too poor to play real money), and playing for hours on end. Then it was downloading music off of YouTube. Now it’s doing jigsaw puzzles online. I started doing the puzzles the other night, and really enjoyed the hell out of it. Something very soothing about it, immersing yourself in putting a puzzle together and not thinking about the chaos that surrounds you.

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Hope that all of you who read this blog (all 4 of you) have a great week!!

Journalism is Dead (Or At Least Wounded)

Many of my favorite writers have a somewhat skewed view when it comes to journalism. A lot of them feel that journalism is something that is below their stature as writers, but something that one must do in order to pay the bills in between book gigs. The great Dr. Hunter S. Thompson hated the gigs, but since the money was good, succumbed to it (hilariously I might add).

There aren’t a lot of journalists that I would say I am a fan of, either on TV or online, but there are a few. Sarah Kwak writes about hockey for the online version of CNN/Sports Illustrated, and she’s awesome. This young lady knows her shit when it comes to the NHL, and her writing style makes her quite easy and enjoyable to read. Ms. Kwak gives you the facts about whatever she’s writing about, and sometimes very subtly injects her sense of humor into her work as well. Great sports writer, and probably THE best person writing about hockey anywhere.

Then there are the bad sports writers. The ones who come across in their writing as if they are all knowing and all being. Peter King of Sports Illustrated/NBC Sports falls into this category. I used to love reading his work, but over the last couple of years, I have found him to be irritating and pompous; an arrogant piece of shit. He clearly has no journalistic credibility when it comes to writing about his hero Brett Farve, because over the years he has kissed Farve’s ass to the point of no return. He lost me completely when he made a smart assed remark about The Who playing at halftime in the last Super Bowl, and for that reason alone he should just shut the fuck up.

On the non-sports side, the number of reporters/journalists that I can tolerate is also a small list. I like Anderson Cooper of CNN, because he comes across as a clear professional all the time. Some of my friends have a problem with Anderson because he’s openly gay. To be honest, his sexual orientation never entered into the picture as far as I’m concerned. It’s not like he’s going on the air and saying stuff like, “Today President Obama had a townhall meeting in southern Iowa to talk about drug law reform. Oh, by the way, I like cock.” Even if he did, so what? The fact of the matter is that he’s a pretty damn good reporter who doesn’t try to inject himself into the story.

Kelly O’Donnell from NBC is a really good location reporter, and probably the only reason to watch NBC News in general or the Today show in particular. Gets her facts lined up, does her research, and again, doesn’t try to inject her own opinion into things. Straight up professional and the fact that she’s probably one of the few white women who actually makes me drool also makes me a fan.

Other than that, I can’t think of any reporter/journalist that really trips my trigger. Maybe it’s because I grew up watching Walter Cronkite on TV, who was THE MAN when it came to reporting. Even as a small child, I could appreciate his Art for what it was. When he came on, it was as if you had a favorite uncle stopping by to relay the news of the day to you.

Most of the reporters these days, and 99% of the anchors on various shows are just bodies and nothing else. I’ll watch Robin Meade on CNN Headline news once in a while if I’m bored, but merely from the eye candy perspective and not from any real sense that I’m going to be informed about the news of the day. All of the hosts on ESPN are idiots, and most of the time I watch it with the sound turned off.

It all makes me wonder when someone in the media is going to step up, get some game. Unfortunately, I think the days of Uncle Walter and Edward R. Murrow are dead and gone. I get better news from Jon Stewart and the Daily Show, and also get to laugh a lot in the process.

Coworker Issues, The Silent Treatment, and Other Gibberish

Some of my friends have the wrong impression about how I address people at work, so for their general benefit, let me explain my somewhat backwards philosophy. You see, it has to do with the fact that I address some people as “Mr. Smith” or “Ms. Jones”, and some people by their first names. In my weird way of thinking, addressing someone by Mr. or Ms. is a sign of disrespect. It’s acknowledging their presence and very little else. It also means, 9 times out of 10, that I really don’t trust that person, not even a little bit.

Addressing someone by their first name speaks of familiarity and trust; people you can depend on, friends, coworkers you want to go fight the forces of darkness and evil with. The people that you know deep in your soul have your back when things get shitty. Sad to say, but in my particular company, there are no individuals in management positions that meet this criteria.

Since the company I work for is Japanese owned, some people have gotten into the habit of addressing coworkers by their first name with –san added at the end of it. Those who have tried to do this with me rarely do it twice because of the reaction that it gets them. It would be different if the company itself was actually located in Japan; then the –san would be more than acceptable. Since the company is in fact on Guam, the –san thing bothers me, a lot. The last person who did this got a big blast of German thrown his way, which confused him a great deal and amused me to no end. I don’t mind it so much when Japanese people do it, but when others do, I have to remind them in my own brutal way that the title is unacceptable to me.

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For some strange reason, the word “tallywacker” popped up in my head the other day. For those of you who have never heard the word, “tallywacker” is a slang word for the penis. It’s one that’s not used very much anymore (the word, not the actual penis), and for some reason it struck me as amusing. The word “scallywag” also popped up in my frontal lobes. It’s an old word and just sounds cooler than calling someone an asshole. “That guy, he’s a damn scallywag”.

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There are people who believe that giving an individual “the silent treatment” is punishing them. If the wife does it, I know that she is well and truly pissed off at me. This has happened a couple of times in the last month or so, and it really isn’t fun to deal with.. When it comes from someone that you love, the silent treatment sucks.

If some of my coworkers that I don’t like do it, I think to myself “Thank Christ this asshole has finally shut the hell up.” In fact, there are two of them (the brown-nosers I have mentioned in earlier blogs) where I would be more than overjoyed if they never spoke to me again. The words that come out of their mouths are usually stupid, and of course there is the scent of Executive Penis on their breath to deal with.

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The wife and I are both dealing with issues relating to aging, even though we are both in our 40’s. As you get older, shit just starts to hurt. Knees sound like someone stepping on a bag of Rice Krispies when you get out of bed. Aches and pains in places that you didn’t even know you had.

The most noticeable thing to me have been my farts. When I turned 40, they started getting loud but not smelly. Just a whole lot of noise but really no content. Now, as I approach my 48th year, there has been a change. I don’t know if it’s overwork or poor diet or what, but now I’m emitting ass gas that literally stops all conversation in a room. Smells so horribly Wrong that I stink out my own self.

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Speaking of fecal related matters, how gross is it when someone gets shit on the seat of the toilet? What are they doing that would cause this?

And is it too much to ask that someone have the common decency to flush after they have “dropped some kids off at the pool”? I ran into this the other day where I work. What really caught my attention as I was noticing this was that there was no toilet paper accompanying said turdage. Taking a dump & not wiping your ass is just beyond gross and nasty.

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I hope that everyone enjoys their Veterans Day off tomorrow. While you are engaged in relaxing activities, I ask that everyone take a moment to think about those in uniform and the sacrifices they make and have made to our country. Like the song says, “All Gave Some, Some Gave All”.