Snackage

We all have them. Those things that we like to stuff into our faces, either to fill an obvious void (hunger), a reward for something that we may have done, or just the simple fact that we want to indulge in something tasty. It’s called snacking, or as I sometimes refer to it, snackage.

The Gorgeous One and I were talking about snackage the other night, and it got me to thinking about the garbage I like to stuff into my pie hole on a regular basis. Sort of a self analysis of what it is that I like to munch on, instead of balanced nutritious things.

Pop Tarts
Rarely if ever do these things actually get in the general vicinity of a toaster in my house. The wife actually tried one for the first time the other day and wasn’t impressed. I like ‘em straight out of the box, in quantity.

Salted-In-The-Shell Peanuts
I sometimes argue that, “hey, they’re nuts and therefore are nutritious”. The wife argues, “but they’re very salty”. I buy them in 3 pound bags, and rarely does a bag last a week. For some reason, they just taste better right out of the shell.

Watermelon Seeds
This is hands down the wife’s favorite thing to snack on, or what I refer to as “your heroin” when I buy her a new bag. We buy them in 1 pound bags, and if there are some in the house, she’s probably eating them.

Cap’n Crunch Cereal
Cold cereal in general has been a favorite for my entire life. Once in a while I’ll have a bowl with milk, but most of the time, I’m eating it right out of the box. Cap’n Crunch (all three varieties) make for great “sitting on your ass in front of the television” snacking. Horribly sweet, no nutritional value whatsoever, and very tasty. A person could probably get diabetes from eating a box with the Crunch Berries in it because this particular brand takes sweetness to an entirely obscene level.

Cheese
Another snack that the wife and I have discussed, with me again arguing that it’s a dairy product and I’m thus getting my daily intake of calcium. She believes that it's one of the reasons I'm getting fat. I like to buy the large blocks of it and cut huge chunks off. Forget crackers; they’re not necessary. I lean towards sharp cheddar and Colby for munching, but Edam and Gouda also work quite well.

Little Debbie Fudge Brownies
The first day my wife actually spent on Guam, she was introduced to this particular treat, because I had two boxes of ‘em in the refrigerator. Now we can’t keep them in the house. I once ran into a sale at our local grocery on these particular plastic wrapped pieces of awesomeness, and bought 5 boxes. The wife chastised me slightly before we basically destroyed one box in the space of fifteen minutes. Chocolaty goodness.

Sky Flakes
A cracker made in the Philippines. Similar to saltines, but a lot crispier and taste better than any saltine you have ever eaten. Here on Guam, they sell them in big plastic tubs, and they’re really great just by themselves.

C2 Green Tea
OK, technically it’s a drink and not a snack. The wife and I both drink a lot of it, as we have been trying to cut back on the soft drinks. We buy it in 500 mL bottles and keep it in the fridge, ice cold. Very light, totally refreshing, and not terribly overpoweringly sweet.

On second thought, maybe this self examination thing wasn’t such a good idea. Damn, I eat a lot of junk!!

Music, Lotterys and Porky Goodness

“Masquerading as a man with a reason, My charade is the event of the season, And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know.”
– Kansas “Carry On Wayward Son”


Like a lot of people, I would someday like to be “J.K. Rowling Rich”. Unlike a lot of people, it’s not because I want to roll around in a ton of cash, buy a lot of shit for myself, live in the lap of luxury, wipe my ass with $50 bills. No, I want the money so I can help out those I love and spoil the three significant women in my life (daughter, wife, grand daughter) utterly rotten. So my wife doesn’t have to look through the bargain bin at the grocery store for one of her favorite snacks (Goldilocks cakes). To be able to buy things for her that I know she loves; simple things that bring a smile to her face. I want my beautiful and smart as hell grand daughter to be able to attend the college of her choice, cost be damned. My daughter behind the wheel of the car of her choice, and not having to sweat the cost of gas or insurance. To be able to not worry about making the paycheck stretch until the next payday, indulge myself when the urge to buy some DVD’s or books strikes me.

Hence the reason I play the lottery. You may say it’s a long shot, but then again, stranger things have happened. There was a guy here on Guam who had never played the lottery but bought a ticket just because his cousin was buying one and decided to take a shot, and ended up winning $500K. It’s a long-shot, sure, but you can’t win if you don’t play, so play I must. Saturday nights jackpot is $12 Million Large Dollars, so I may double up my purchase.

+++++

It’s pretty cool when music can surprise you. A song or an artist you haven’t heard in a long time suddenly pops up and brings a smile to your face. That’s kind of where I’m at right now, listening to a lot of Boston and Kansas. Massive slabs of music that you can wrap yourself up in, feed the soul, make you forget about some of the shitty aspects of life, even for a few moments. If you have never heard Boston’s “Walk On Medley” off their fourth album, by all means buy/download it. That and some Kansas “Song for America”.

+++++

Barbequed pork is just another way that God tells us He loves us, severely. I had the leftovers from Saturday nights outing up in Yigo for lunch, and it’s even better (if that’s even possible) than it was when it was hot off the grill. It really doesn’t get much better than pig meat cooked over flame outside. Between that and the awesome chicken wings I inhaled Saturday night, the Gorgeous One and I were both suffering the effects of meat sickness. That feeling when you know that you have eaten way way way too much food.

+++++

White guilt “refers to the concept of individual or collective guilt often said to be felt by some white people for the racist treatment of people of color by whites both historically and presently.” That’s the definition of the term as found on Wikipedia. I have news for some of the people on this island who may think I suffer from this; I don’t. My ancestors never persecuted anyone, and as far as I know never reacted in racist ways towards anyone. I say that so that the people who continually ask me for money to buy gas (or crack) when I walk into a grocery store will stop doing it. While I’m not on public assistance, I am not rich simply because I happen to be white. The concept that white people might actually not have money just falling out of their pockets is apparently a foreign one to a lot of people.

+++++

The wife has been suffering greatly from a pinched nerve in her neck/shoulder, and when she suffers, I suffer. Not from any phantom pains or anything like that. My sweet, wonderful wife, when she’s sick, sometimes turns into an evil person, and this evil is naturally directed towards me. Since I know the source of it all, I try my best to just ignore the snappy attitude and try to be the supportive husband, doing whatever I can to try to make her feel better. So far, she’s been to a chiropractor, two massage therapists, and a couple of doctor visits, and none of them have really worked. She’s on a ton of drugs, including Valium for pain, and we’re hoping that the damn nerve starts to heal soon. It’s driving her crazy, and me along with it.

More later. Must Work Now.

It Never Hurts to Dream

The following is a fantasy I have had on more than one occasion…….

As I normally do, I check the Sports Bingo results the morning after the draw. Within seconds, I realize that the wife and I are now rich, money beyond our wildest fantasies (and I have some major fantasies). I rush out to the place we purchased the ticket, and within a few minutes it’s confirmed. I’m now the $6 Million Dollar Man, minus the bionic powers of Steve Austin.

It’s arranged that we will pick up the check in two days time, so we start to plan out some things. Of course, we tell not one soul that we’ve won. No friends, no family, no one. We open an account with one of the Philippine banks that has an office on Guam, and make some airplane reservations. It’s agreed that the wife will leave a couple of days ahead of me, and I’ll stay behind on Guam and make a few arrangements. We celebrate our good fortune by going out to a fine dinner, then coming home and making love all evening.

The day comes where we will actually get the money, and I call in sick to work. We insist that no photos be taken of us getting the check as we both want this to be as under the radar as possible. The money gets deposited in the Philippine bank account, minus $25,000 that we will need in cash immediately. The next day, I call in sick again and the wife boards a flight to Manila, with $10K in her pocket for immediate spending needs when she arrives. . I get what little we actually want to ship to the Philippines picked up and on its way, after which I move into a motel room for the night. I drop by the realty management office to tell them that we no longer need our apartment, and I pay them 1 months rent in advance for the trouble, which should cover the cost of cleaning the apartment. That evening, the wife calls me to tell me that she’s safely at her family’s house, and everything is going according to plan.

The next day, with everything laid out, I go to work as usual. Since my flight is at 8 that evening, I have time to kill, so while doing my work, I pick up a few things to take on the plane with me and some stuff I want to give to a couple of friends. I prepare a bill of sale for my car (for $1) and get it notarized which I will leave on one of my friend’s desks. I know he’ll either sell it or give it to his wife. With the bill of sale, I put a note telling him that there is a box stashed somewhere with stuff I want him to give to various people I work with. There are also notes for my three best friends about future plans and how to contact me in the next few weeks. These are people I absolutely trust and love, and want to do business with them in the future. Since my friend works weird hours, I’m pretty sure he won’t see either the note or the bill of sale until the next day I also pull all of the computer files I want/need off of my desktop computer and on to a thumb drive.

5 PM rolls around, and I stroll over to the corporate HQ. Since the CEO of the company is on the golf course, I head over to the Chief Operating Officers office. I stroll in, throw my work keys and ID on his desk, tell him simply, “I quit”, then walk out of the office. No goodbyes, no farewells, just slip off into the good night. Stop by the motel, change clothes and grab my bags, then it’s off to the airport. Four hours later, I’m in Manila. Two hours after that, I’m at the wife’s house in the country.

The next few weeks are spent making plans for the future. College educations are paid for in advance, and construction projects are put into motion. I make some flight arrangements for an extensive trip to the US to see family and friends. Fly to Texas and meet my son-in-law and granddaughter for the first time, and spend some quality time with my daughter seeing the sights in San Antonio. Set the granddaughter up with a trust fund while I am there, and see my daughter behind the wheel of a new car with some money deposited into her bank account. Stop by the homestead in Colorado for some back porch time with my Dad and to pay their mortgage. A quick trip to Missouri to see my aunt and pay her mortgage off. Bop up to Seattle to drop off a check to my ex-wife so that I won’t have the threat of spousal support hanging over me anymore, as well as dropping in on an old friend. Lastly but not leastly a stop for two days in Oregon to see my friends Jenna and Lindsay. My total time in America is about three weeks.

Back to the Philippines I fly, and the wife and I settle in to our new life. Contact a couple of friends in Guam about a business venture I would like to get rolling that I want them to be involved with, as a follow-up to the notes I left them when I departed. They would be the primary brains behind the venture, while I would supply the initial capital for it and the overall manager. It will also give me enough to do without getting bored, but at the same time not actually feeling like work. Supervise the construction projects that the wife and I have planned, and spend a decent amount of time wrapped up in a hammock underneath a mango tree with the wife, drinking cold beers, snuggling and doing absolutely nothing.

This is just a fantasy, but a pretty good one.

Negative Waves and Bad Karma

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.” – Steven Wright

Lots of negative karma floating around where I work, which is why I feel the need to get a couple of things off my chest, as it were.

+++++

There are two individuals in my department at work whose major talent seems to be sucking up to one of the executives in our company, who happens to be in our chain of command, as it were. They both deny it, but then in the same breath will shamelessly lick his ass at the drop of a hat. Both of them used to work for the executive in question when he ran another company, and apparently have a lot of experience sucking this guys balls.

Now I know that in this economy, people have to do whatever is necessary to keep a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. With that said, though, I would rather pull minimum wage as a greeter at Kmart before having to resort to blowing an executive to get ahead. I don’t have a whole lot of pride or dignity, but I do have to look at the man in the mirror in the face every morning.

I’ve always been a firm believer in the concept of working hard and letting the work speak for itself. I’ve also believed that those who have to suck dick to get ahead are the lowest of the low (unless, of course, the person in questions happens to be a prostitute, where the sucking of dick is basically part of the job description). Worse than used car salesmen and lawyers (the ass kissers, not the prostitutes). Sadly, the two individuals of whom I speak don’t feel the same way. Both of them are disgusting and I avoid even casual conversation with them. Why waste air and time on people who are utterly useless?

Kinda sad, and more than a little disgusting to watch the shameless ass-kissing/ball licking. Thinking about buying these two individuals some Tic-Tacs and some kneepads and giving them to them, just to let them know that we all know what they’re doing. It might be me, but most of us don’t like having to talk to someone whose breath reeks of penis.

++++++

Speaking of said executive, I had a small run-in with him this morning. It was a minor thing, but it just reinforced the fact that he is a weasel and a chickenshit son-of-a-bitch. It reminded me yet again, as if I needed another reminder, that my current place of employment is simply a paycheck and nothing more. Three years ago, I actually looked forward to coming to work, couldn’t wait to get there. Now, I do what I have to do, no more and no less. I avoid all of the so-called “leaders and managers”, do my thing, and try to keep my mouth shut.

++++++

There are certain things and certain songs that should never be rerecorded or even attempted. This thought crossed my mind as I was standing in line at McDonalds and heard a remake of “Achy Breaky Heart” in Chamorro. It was horrible in English, and even worse in Chamorro. If someone ever decides to release a compilation CD of “Songs to Commit Suicide To”, the Chamorro version of “Achy Breaky” would be on it. Horrible, horrible.

++++++

The planning for the company Christmas party is already underway. This is highly unusual where I work because they normally wait until the middle of November to start it. By then, all of the “good” places have usually been booked, and the folks who do the planning in our company are left to find something decent.

In spite of the title of this blog, I’m against mandatory fun (meaning social events that a person is pretty much required to attend), and I usually avoid company gatherings like syphilis. If it’s done right this time, I may reconsider. The Gorgeous One has never really met that many of the people I work with, and since we don’t go out much, it might be a good opportunity to throw some fancy clothes on, have a nice dinner, and maybe get a little drunk with some of the cool people I work with. With that said, I also have the feeling that whoever is planning the event will probably fuck it up in some way. Decide to make it a themed event that has nothing to do with Christmas, in which case I’ll once again avoid said party.

Another coffee and a smoke? Why yes, that sounds good.

Dealing With Her When That Evil Time Comes

Even though it’s a natural fact that I am not the smartest guy on the planet, a fella tends to learn a few lessons along the way. Knowledge that a guy picks up through life experiences, usually the hard way, and usually involving some form of pain.

It’s come to my attention that some of you guys out there still haven’t learned how to deal with your significant female other when that special time of the month rolls around. You know, that time of the month when your totally sweet and wonderful lady becomes a complete and utter bitch. An evil monster of a person, hormones raging, claws bared against the world. You know, when she’s “on the rag”, “riding the cotton pony”, “having the painters in”.

Well, let it not be said that Uncle Troy cannot provide some helpful information every now and then. Life and women have taught me a few lessons when it comes to dealing with the female of the species during this special time of the month, and I thought that now would be an excellent time to pass some of that hard-learned wisdom.

YOU’RE WRONG
No matter what you do or say, you’re wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Something as innocent as saying, “Hi honey” could very well end in disastrous consequences. Exhale in a way she doesn’t like, and it’s as if you got caught having sex with her sister on the White House lawn. Forget to put your dirty socks in the laundry, and it will be like you killed her beloved pet with her car right before you totaled said car as you were cruising looking for transsexual prostitutes to smoke crack with. You’re wrong. No matter what it is or what you have or have not done or said, you’re wrong. Just accept the fact and be done with it. Most of the time, this is easier said than done. Even the most patient of guys will come close to the point of snapping, but of all times, this is when self restraint is key.

SHUT THE HELL UP
Most of us men get in trouble during this special time of the month by saying something stupid, no matter how innocently it’s said. Brevity, in this case, can save a guy some pain. Don’t ask a lot of questions, and if asked about anything, keep the answer straight and to the point. An example of “keeping it short and simple” is something like this. I was watching an old James Cagney movie on TCM, when the wife, suffering from pain and feeling bitchy, asked me if what I was watching was an old movie. I could have said, “It’s called White Heat, an old gangster movie from the 30’s”. My answer instead was “Yes”. Keep it simple. Short, sweet, and to the point.

AVOIDANCE IF POSSIBLE
One of the easiest ways to stay out of trouble is to not be there. If you have a job where a lot of travel is involved, try to arrange some of that travel so that it happens when she is in the middle of her period. This is especially easy if your significant other has a regular cycle with predictable start and end dates. If that’s not possible, give your lady some space, even (and especially) in the confines of your house. Back when my ex-wife and daughter used to have their periods on the same days, I would come home from work and pretty much hide in my computer room/office every night. Bringing home work has value in that not only are you being productive, it’s a valid excuse for giving her some distance. Staying out of the line of fire simplifies things.

SUCKING UP
Along with avoidance comes lavishing. Chocolate is pretty much universally accepted as a way to get on her good side during these trying days. Know what kind she likes, and buy lots of it. Knowing what she likes specifically will eliminate the bitching that will happen if you buy the wrong type. My bride loves her some Cadbury with fruit and nuts, and I do my best to keep a ready supply available in the freezer. Smiling also helps, even through gritted teeth. If she’s not a chocolate kinda girl (and I’ve never met a woman who didn’t like chocolate), stock up on whatever her favorite snack/comfort food is. Have lots of it available at all times. Depending on what it is, cases of it if possible.

While none of these suggestions are in and of themselves foolproof, I have found that doing them can save me a lot of heartache and pain when dealing with a loved one overcome during this special time of the month.

Ladies, (the two or three who actually read my gibberish), did I leave out anything?

The Annoying Kind

There is a guy that works for my company that I have tried really hard to ignore, but his continual presence in my workspace is making it very hard to do so. Let me describe him for you, and see if you have someone like this at your job site.

The guy in question works across the street at our corporate headquarters, which is also known as The Death Star. I’m not exactly sure what his role in everything is, but I know that it has something to do with Product Development. Because of his function, he on occasion has to work with one of my coworkers on various projects, which brings him over to my office.

When the guy comes over to my building, he is never at a loss for finding fault with something in the building I work in. Every time you turn around, the guy is complaining or crying about something. “I don’t see how you guys work over here. It’s too cold.” “Oh my God, that stairwell is really bad, very dangerous.” (Aside from being a little narrow, it’s not dangerous at all). “Gracious, this coffee is so strong! How do you guys drink this stuff?” (It was afternoon coffee, not the typical jumper cables to the heart morning coffee. Afternoon coffee is brewed so that it’s like making love in a canoe – fucking close to water).

On and on, this guy finds things wrong with the place that I and the folks in my department call home. The Hilton it ain’t; AT&T it ain’t, but me and my fellow drones find it comfortable, and have gone to some effort to make it as relaxed as possible while still being functional. This weasel comes over a couple of times a week, and every single time he opens his mouth he finds stuff to cry about.

Normally, when I see homeboy in the building and I happen to be chained to my desk, I immediately reach for my headphones and let the rock block him out. My own version of “bullshit bandpass filters” so to speak, so that I don’t have to hear his incessant whining. Yesterday, I was butt-deep in some documents that were sent to me from Singapore to review, and needed to focus to catch the subtleties of what I was reading. Meaning that I couldn’t go to the headphones, and I needed to concentrate. Since the wife and I were both already in horrible moods after dealing with another dose of bullshit from the Government of Guam earlier in the afternoon, the whiners timing could not have been worse.

About 10 minutes after Sphincter Boy arrived, the whining started. Rather than make a fuss, I grabbed the documents I was dealing with and bolted for quieter environs. It was either that or revert to Grouchy Middle Age Man Mode and rip into Piece of Shit Boy. Even though I had found a quieter place, by then it was too late, as the guy’s horrible pissing and moaning had thrown me off my game completely.

Since this happened late in the work day, the foul mood at work also translated into shit getting bad when I got home. The drive home was done in a torrential rain, with visibility down to about 50 meters and nearly black dark at 6 PM. The rain meant that the normal idiot Guam drivers now went to Ultra-Idiot Mode, as if the concept of operating an automobile in a hard rain was totally foreign to those commuting home. Got home grouchy, and since The Gorgeous One was in a pissy mood already, it made for a very uncomfortable evening at home.

I’m afraid the events of the last 24 hours have caused me to deal with the whining with the most evil side of my nature the next time it happens. Nope, not gonna even try to ignore the guys’ horrible crybaby attitude. The time has come to rip off his head and shit down his neck, in a matter of speaking. If I hear one negative comment out of this guy, he’ll get told to shut his pie-hole then invited to exit the building forthwith. I’ve already ripped this guy a new one about six months ago, and apparently it’s time for me to administer another dose of reality on this asshole.

Does anyone else have to deal with a horrible piece of shit like the one I mentioned above? Someone who comes into your office and feels it necessary to dump all over the environment in which you call home for the majority of your workday?

Letting Your Geek Flag Fly

Some people tend to use the word “geek” in a negative context. Like it’s some sort of insult to be referred to as a geek. The dictionary defines the word as meaning “a person who is preoccupied with or very knowledgeable about computing” or “a boring and unattractive social misfit”.

I for one have no problem with the word in either definition. While I don’t fit the strict confines of the first definition, I have been accused of being a geek for some of my other preoccupations. As for the second definition, I’ve pretty much felt that I am outside of what many in society would consider “normal”, which I don’t have a problem with at all. Better to be unique and what I describe as “wonderfully weird” than just one more sheep.

With all of that said, I do believe that there are some newer definitions of geek that fall outside of being obsessed with computers.

Star Wars Geek
There is a big stereotype concerning this particular type of geekness; that the people who love Star Wars are truly losers. OK, I’m guilty as hell about this one. I have been known to quote lines from the original three movies, most often to people I want to offend or when it amuses me. Everyone who knows me knows that I’ll drop some Master Yoda on them in a heartbeat.

Deadliest Catch Geek
A newer obsession for many, including me. People like to talk about their favorite boat or their favorite captain, obsessing over crew members and other trivia. Even the voiceovers by Mike Rowe also come into play. “200 miles west of Dutch Harbor, sits the Assholian.” I’m not as obsessed about it as some of my friends are, but I do like to peep out the show when I can.

Who Geek
Those who know and love me know how utterly obsessed about The Who that I am. Simply put, they are the greatest rock band ever to walk the planet as far as I’m concerned. I actually celebrate Pete Townshend’s birthday every year, and “Won’t Get Fooled Again” is the ringtone of choice on my phone to delineate friend from idiots. Basically, if someone is obsessed about any band, that could be considered as geek-like behavior, but in my case it’s The Who.

American Idol Geek
People go bat-shit crazy over this TV series, something I have never really understood. I have friends who can tell you who has won and who came in second every year that the show has been on the air, some even going as far to know who released what album from the Idol alumni. While I am totally not into it at any level, I can understand the attractiveness of it.

Glee Geek
My daughter, and countless thousands of other people, have lost their collective minds over this television show. There are Glee Gatherings, where like-minded people come together and watch this program. While I have never really gotten into it, I can appreciate the show for what it is.

Software Geek
A variant on the traditional definition, describing those who are obsessed with software, especially free or cheap software. Some of my friends actually collect programs like we used to collect baseball cards as kids. I’ve heard the phrase “I’ve got a program for that” so many times, I start to wonder if they have a program that will give them a beer and a blowjob as well. (If said program exists, I’ll be wanting a copy of it).

Porn Geek
Don’t really know if this falls into the category of geekiness, rather than just categorized as “obsessively horny” or “compulsive masturbator”. Collectors of porn to a grand scale, filling up hard drives and DVD collections, even going as far as cataloging their collection and rating each and every DVD/download. Some are specific in their tastes, while some really aren’t that picky. I know a guy in Korea who has probably the largest collection of lesbian porn that I have ever seen, literally hundreds of DVD’s and many gigabytes of downloaded material. Kinda creepy in its own way, but then again, everyone has to have a hobby.

Lord of the Rings Geek
A variant of the Star Wars geek, except that these folks are obsessed with the movies and not so much the books, although many “Rings” geeks are obsessed with both. As to my personal views on the subject, the character Randall in the movie “Clerks II” pretty much summed it up nicely and hilariously.

These are just some of the examples of geekiness that are out there. I’m sure that there are countless others, but these are some of the types of geekness that I run into on a pretty regular basis. If you happen to fall into one of these categories, or there is something else that you happen to obsess about, I say let your geek flag fly. Wear it proudly, and never be ashamed of what you are.

It’s a little known fact that us geeks will someday take over the world, and those who are considered “normal” are just gonna have to deal with it.