Even though it’s a natural fact that I am not the smartest guy on the planet, a fella tends to learn a few lessons along the way. Knowledge that a guy picks up through life experiences, usually the hard way, and usually involving some form of pain.
It’s come to my attention that some of you guys out there still haven’t learned how to deal with your significant female other when that special time of the month rolls around. You know, that time of the month when your totally sweet and wonderful lady becomes a complete and utter bitch. An evil monster of a person, hormones raging, claws bared against the world. You know, when she’s “on the rag”, “riding the cotton pony”, “having the painters in”.
Well, let it not be said that Uncle Troy cannot provide some helpful information every now and then. Life and women have taught me a few lessons when it comes to dealing with the female of the species during this special time of the month, and I thought that now would be an excellent time to pass some of that hard-learned wisdom.
YOU’RE WRONG
No matter what you do or say, you’re wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Something as innocent as saying, “Hi honey” could very well end in disastrous consequences. Exhale in a way she doesn’t like, and it’s as if you got caught having sex with her sister on the White House lawn. Forget to put your dirty socks in the laundry, and it will be like you killed her beloved pet with her car right before you totaled said car as you were cruising looking for transsexual prostitutes to smoke crack with. You’re wrong. No matter what it is or what you have or have not done or said, you’re wrong. Just accept the fact and be done with it. Most of the time, this is easier said than done. Even the most patient of guys will come close to the point of snapping, but of all times, this is when self restraint is key.
SHUT THE HELL UP
Most of us men get in trouble during this special time of the month by saying something stupid, no matter how innocently it’s said. Brevity, in this case, can save a guy some pain. Don’t ask a lot of questions, and if asked about anything, keep the answer straight and to the point. An example of “keeping it short and simple” is something like this. I was watching an old James Cagney movie on TCM, when the wife, suffering from pain and feeling bitchy, asked me if what I was watching was an old movie. I could have said, “It’s called White Heat, an old gangster movie from the 30’s”. My answer instead was “Yes”. Keep it simple. Short, sweet, and to the point.
AVOIDANCE IF POSSIBLE
One of the easiest ways to stay out of trouble is to not be there. If you have a job where a lot of travel is involved, try to arrange some of that travel so that it happens when she is in the middle of her period. This is especially easy if your significant other has a regular cycle with predictable start and end dates. If that’s not possible, give your lady some space, even (and especially) in the confines of your house. Back when my ex-wife and daughter used to have their periods on the same days, I would come home from work and pretty much hide in my computer room/office every night. Bringing home work has value in that not only are you being productive, it’s a valid excuse for giving her some distance. Staying out of the line of fire simplifies things.
SUCKING UP
Along with avoidance comes lavishing. Chocolate is pretty much universally accepted as a way to get on her good side during these trying days. Know what kind she likes, and buy lots of it. Knowing what she likes specifically will eliminate the bitching that will happen if you buy the wrong type. My bride loves her some Cadbury with fruit and nuts, and I do my best to keep a ready supply available in the freezer. Smiling also helps, even through gritted teeth. If she’s not a chocolate kinda girl (and I’ve never met a woman who didn’t like chocolate), stock up on whatever her favorite snack/comfort food is. Have lots of it available at all times. Depending on what it is, cases of it if possible.
While none of these suggestions are in and of themselves foolproof, I have found that doing them can save me a lot of heartache and pain when dealing with a loved one overcome during this special time of the month.
Ladies, (the two or three who actually read my gibberish), did I leave out anything?
It’s come to my attention that some of you guys out there still haven’t learned how to deal with your significant female other when that special time of the month rolls around. You know, that time of the month when your totally sweet and wonderful lady becomes a complete and utter bitch. An evil monster of a person, hormones raging, claws bared against the world. You know, when she’s “on the rag”, “riding the cotton pony”, “having the painters in”.
Well, let it not be said that Uncle Troy cannot provide some helpful information every now and then. Life and women have taught me a few lessons when it comes to dealing with the female of the species during this special time of the month, and I thought that now would be an excellent time to pass some of that hard-learned wisdom.
YOU’RE WRONG
No matter what you do or say, you’re wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Something as innocent as saying, “Hi honey” could very well end in disastrous consequences. Exhale in a way she doesn’t like, and it’s as if you got caught having sex with her sister on the White House lawn. Forget to put your dirty socks in the laundry, and it will be like you killed her beloved pet with her car right before you totaled said car as you were cruising looking for transsexual prostitutes to smoke crack with. You’re wrong. No matter what it is or what you have or have not done or said, you’re wrong. Just accept the fact and be done with it. Most of the time, this is easier said than done. Even the most patient of guys will come close to the point of snapping, but of all times, this is when self restraint is key.
SHUT THE HELL UP
Most of us men get in trouble during this special time of the month by saying something stupid, no matter how innocently it’s said. Brevity, in this case, can save a guy some pain. Don’t ask a lot of questions, and if asked about anything, keep the answer straight and to the point. An example of “keeping it short and simple” is something like this. I was watching an old James Cagney movie on TCM, when the wife, suffering from pain and feeling bitchy, asked me if what I was watching was an old movie. I could have said, “It’s called White Heat, an old gangster movie from the 30’s”. My answer instead was “Yes”. Keep it simple. Short, sweet, and to the point.
AVOIDANCE IF POSSIBLE
One of the easiest ways to stay out of trouble is to not be there. If you have a job where a lot of travel is involved, try to arrange some of that travel so that it happens when she is in the middle of her period. This is especially easy if your significant other has a regular cycle with predictable start and end dates. If that’s not possible, give your lady some space, even (and especially) in the confines of your house. Back when my ex-wife and daughter used to have their periods on the same days, I would come home from work and pretty much hide in my computer room/office every night. Bringing home work has value in that not only are you being productive, it’s a valid excuse for giving her some distance. Staying out of the line of fire simplifies things.
SUCKING UP
Along with avoidance comes lavishing. Chocolate is pretty much universally accepted as a way to get on her good side during these trying days. Know what kind she likes, and buy lots of it. Knowing what she likes specifically will eliminate the bitching that will happen if you buy the wrong type. My bride loves her some Cadbury with fruit and nuts, and I do my best to keep a ready supply available in the freezer. Smiling also helps, even through gritted teeth. If she’s not a chocolate kinda girl (and I’ve never met a woman who didn’t like chocolate), stock up on whatever her favorite snack/comfort food is. Have lots of it available at all times. Depending on what it is, cases of it if possible.
While none of these suggestions are in and of themselves foolproof, I have found that doing them can save me a lot of heartache and pain when dealing with a loved one overcome during this special time of the month.
Ladies, (the two or three who actually read my gibberish), did I leave out anything?
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