Every month, Esquire Magazine runs a column called “What I’ve Learned”, where they interview a celebrity who tells what he or she has learned through some of their life experiences. After a little bit of introspection, I came up with my own list of “What I’ve Learned”.
When you stop learning, you start dying.
There is no sweeter sound on the planet than hearing your child laugh.
Humanity, taken as a whole, sucks. Individual human beings, on the other hand, can have profoundly great moments.
There are those moments, like when I’m sitting on a beach alone and just staring out at the ocean where I feel totally at peace with the world. Every other time of the day borders on chaos.
In two attempts, I’ve learned that I basically suck at marriage.
“Won’t Get Fooled Again” by the Who is my theme song. I have listened to it at least once a day for the last 27 years and never, ever get tired of it. Forget Lennon-McCartney; Pete Townshend is a genius.
I love women. I don’t understand them at all, but I still find them fascinating.
Sometimes, I really don’t want to think.
I have a low tolerance for boredom. On the other hand, it takes very little to amuse me.
The whole concept of large expensive funerals seems to be stupid to me. When I trip the mortal coil, I’ve told my wife to just burn my body and dump the ashes in the ocean. Then take some money, buy some booze, invite all my friends and relatives to get together and have a party and tell lies about me. It won’t matter to me; I’ll be dead.
Some people don’t like being crazy busy at work. I seem to thrive on it, love the excitement of it, the flow of adrenalin when everything is going wrong, everyone is freaking out, and I have to figure out how to fix it. Makes you feel vibrant, alive.
Being a parent is the toughest job a person could ever have. It’s also the most fun. Nothing else comes remotely close.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Breaking Fast
I make no secret of the fact that I find breakfast to be the most wonderful meal of the day. Where some people get confused is that during the work week, I hardly ever actually eat breakfast. On those days that I have to go to work, the first meal of the day for me is usually lunch. I’ll have coffee and a couple of cigarettes before leaving the house, but that’s’ about it as far as post-wake-up nourishment is concerned.
Days off, however, are a different matter. Yes, I’ll be cooking some breakfast. Depending on how I roll on a particular day, I may not eat lunch or dinner later because I’ll still be full. Some thoughts about “breaking fast”.
BACON IS PORK
It’s made from pig. Not any other animal, and most certainly not from soy. Soy bacon is not bacon, and in fact is not food. It’s evil, stupid and wrong on many different levels, and should only be served to people you really don’t like. Child molesters and suspected domestic terrorists should be served soy bacon as part of their rehabilitation. I’m a big fan of thick slab bacon, fried crisp and served in quantity. A half pound of good bacon is not overdoing it as far as a meal is concerned.
MILK GRAVY
Sometimes known as Shit-On-A-Shingle, sausage gravy, or by other names. It deserves to be its own food group because of its tasty goodness. My Mom in Colorado makes killer gravy, second only to my late grandmother, who made the best gravy on this planet or any other. Pour it over biscuits, toast, rice, or by its own self. The daughter, when encountering milk gravy at a buffet, likes to dip pieces of cucumber in the gravy, going for the crispness of the veggie along with the gravy goodness. My personal preference is to use either Tennessee Pride Hot or Jimmy Deans Hot sausage, smother and cover everything. I always make too much, and warmed up in the microwave the next day for lunch it can be a thing of wonder. WARNING: Eating too much milk gravy has a tendency to induce lethargy and laziness.
NOT JUST A MORNING THING
Although I’m not a big fan of having it when I have to work, I’ll sometimes make breakfast foods for dinner. An omelet or waffles or pancakes for dinner can be a wonderful thing. Cold cereal is also a nice evening meal (also known as “Seinfelding”, named after Jerry Seinfeld). It’s also a good alternative on those nights when you’re tired and really don’t feel like cooking. It takes no effort to throw 6 Eggo waffles in the toaster, smother them with syrup and butter, and stuff your face.
RICE INSTEAD OF TATERS
Every once in a while, I’ll have rice as an alternative to hash browns or tater tots, which are my usual go-to for breakfast. My wife, The Gorgeous One, likes rice topped with a couple of fried eggs, and if I cook bacon or sausage, she’s usually up for that as well. Rice is filling and goes well with all of the other things normally associated with breakfast foods. Being that I’m married to a Filipina, it’s also readily available in my house.
These are just some of my thoughts about the best meal of the day.
Days off, however, are a different matter. Yes, I’ll be cooking some breakfast. Depending on how I roll on a particular day, I may not eat lunch or dinner later because I’ll still be full. Some thoughts about “breaking fast”.
BACON IS PORK
It’s made from pig. Not any other animal, and most certainly not from soy. Soy bacon is not bacon, and in fact is not food. It’s evil, stupid and wrong on many different levels, and should only be served to people you really don’t like. Child molesters and suspected domestic terrorists should be served soy bacon as part of their rehabilitation. I’m a big fan of thick slab bacon, fried crisp and served in quantity. A half pound of good bacon is not overdoing it as far as a meal is concerned.
MILK GRAVY
Sometimes known as Shit-On-A-Shingle, sausage gravy, or by other names. It deserves to be its own food group because of its tasty goodness. My Mom in Colorado makes killer gravy, second only to my late grandmother, who made the best gravy on this planet or any other. Pour it over biscuits, toast, rice, or by its own self. The daughter, when encountering milk gravy at a buffet, likes to dip pieces of cucumber in the gravy, going for the crispness of the veggie along with the gravy goodness. My personal preference is to use either Tennessee Pride Hot or Jimmy Deans Hot sausage, smother and cover everything. I always make too much, and warmed up in the microwave the next day for lunch it can be a thing of wonder. WARNING: Eating too much milk gravy has a tendency to induce lethargy and laziness.
NOT JUST A MORNING THING
Although I’m not a big fan of having it when I have to work, I’ll sometimes make breakfast foods for dinner. An omelet or waffles or pancakes for dinner can be a wonderful thing. Cold cereal is also a nice evening meal (also known as “Seinfelding”, named after Jerry Seinfeld). It’s also a good alternative on those nights when you’re tired and really don’t feel like cooking. It takes no effort to throw 6 Eggo waffles in the toaster, smother them with syrup and butter, and stuff your face.
RICE INSTEAD OF TATERS
Every once in a while, I’ll have rice as an alternative to hash browns or tater tots, which are my usual go-to for breakfast. My wife, The Gorgeous One, likes rice topped with a couple of fried eggs, and if I cook bacon or sausage, she’s usually up for that as well. Rice is filling and goes well with all of the other things normally associated with breakfast foods. Being that I’m married to a Filipina, it’s also readily available in my house.
These are just some of my thoughts about the best meal of the day.
Monday, November 23, 2009
The Whys
If you are reading this, then it’s because you have been personally invited by me to do so. Some of you have been reading my blogs for years, and some of you are new to my gibberish, so let me explain a couple of things along the way.
Sunday morning, I posted a couple of blogs over on Myspace, when a realization hit me. In the past 5 years or so, I’ve posted over 700 blogs to that site. 700 blogs. It’s hard to believe that someone of my limited intelligence and massive laziness could actually write that much.
With all of that said, let me explain a couple of things concerning THIS particular blog site. I discovered this site because my friend Mandy (also known as The Buddha Momma on Myspace) started posting her wonderful gibberish over here. After checking it out, I realize that I actually like the format a lot, and there are some other advantages. For one, a lot of people don’t like being tied to a particular social networking site, thinking that its’ too big a pain in the ass to have to deal with. For another, it gives me another creative outlet.
For those of you who are new, a couple of things. When I write about people, I never use their real names. If it is you that I happen to be writing about, then you’ll be able to see through this pretty quickly. That way, I can’t be slammed for naming someone in a blog by their given name, as it were. Also, I’d like to apologize in advance if I sometimes use language that is a little harsh, especially when I’m angry about something. Since that’s pretty much the way I talk, it’s also pretty much the way I write.
I’ll still continue to post stuff on Myspace, mostly the more deeply personal kind of stuff, since I can control access to that blog to Friends Only. For this particular site, everything else that crosses my feeble brain that I feel warrants getting posted will be. There will be personal stuff, work related musings, and the usual dry bad humor I tend to write, along with sneaking in some things that really bother me or cross my feeble mind that I find amusing.
With all of that said, if you were invited here, I hope you hang around. Feel free to comment as much or as little as possible. I do love feedback, and I also love the interaction that blogging brings.
Stay tuned. It’s going to get a little weird.
Sunday morning, I posted a couple of blogs over on Myspace, when a realization hit me. In the past 5 years or so, I’ve posted over 700 blogs to that site. 700 blogs. It’s hard to believe that someone of my limited intelligence and massive laziness could actually write that much.
With all of that said, let me explain a couple of things concerning THIS particular blog site. I discovered this site because my friend Mandy (also known as The Buddha Momma on Myspace) started posting her wonderful gibberish over here. After checking it out, I realize that I actually like the format a lot, and there are some other advantages. For one, a lot of people don’t like being tied to a particular social networking site, thinking that its’ too big a pain in the ass to have to deal with. For another, it gives me another creative outlet.
For those of you who are new, a couple of things. When I write about people, I never use their real names. If it is you that I happen to be writing about, then you’ll be able to see through this pretty quickly. That way, I can’t be slammed for naming someone in a blog by their given name, as it were. Also, I’d like to apologize in advance if I sometimes use language that is a little harsh, especially when I’m angry about something. Since that’s pretty much the way I talk, it’s also pretty much the way I write.
I’ll still continue to post stuff on Myspace, mostly the more deeply personal kind of stuff, since I can control access to that blog to Friends Only. For this particular site, everything else that crosses my feeble brain that I feel warrants getting posted will be. There will be personal stuff, work related musings, and the usual dry bad humor I tend to write, along with sneaking in some things that really bother me or cross my feeble mind that I find amusing.
With all of that said, if you were invited here, I hope you hang around. Feel free to comment as much or as little as possible. I do love feedback, and I also love the interaction that blogging brings.
Stay tuned. It’s going to get a little weird.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Mandatory Fun, Christmas Style
This week at work, the annual company Christmas party was THE topic of conversation amongst the employees.
Now normally I avoid these type of gatherings, my aversion to Organized Fun being well known. This year, however, I had planned on taking the wife, for a couple of reasons. I wanted her to meet some of the people I work with, because some of them are actually really cool. The majority of them are married to Filipinas, so she would have someone to talk to. The second was so that she could put faces to names, as to have reference when come home from work and I talk about the assholes who are not cool. Third, since we rarely go out, I thought it would be a great opportunity for us to have a nice dinner, a few drinks, maybe dance a little, and have a little fun. Get a little drunk, come home and maybe get laid, a perfect evening.
The Weirdness set in when a member of the Company Christmas Party Organizing Committee (believe it or not, there is such a thing) blasted out an All Hands email to everyone in the company the other day. The email basically gave us the where’s and when’s of the party, and what would be going on. This email sparked a lot of conversation and some controversy that has yet to die down. For one thing, the Committee scheduled the party on a Sunday evening. This is a huge problem for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. Anyone with kids is not going to want to have them out late the night before a school night. A lot of people (like me) don’t like social events on a Sunday evening, because Sunday is the day we get recharged for the upcoming week. Get our brains prepped for the shit we know we will have to deal with. Laundry gets done, and if you’re a brown bagger, maybe prep some lunch stuff for the week. An evening spent in front of the TV, and go to bed early.
The second part of the Weirdness had to do with the theme of the party. It seems that they decided it would be a masquerade party. The company bought masks for everyone, and it would be MANDATORY that we all wear them. Whenever you lump the word “mandatory” along with what is supposed to be a fun event, trouble usually ensues, and it did this time. Almost immediately, people started talking about this, and between the masks (which I think is one of the stupidest ideas for a Christmas party) and scheduling it on a Sunday, I decided that we would not be going.
The Powers that Be later came back and said that the masks would be optional, but by then the damage was done. We all know what “optional” really means. If you don’t participate, then you’re viewed as a disloyal son-of-a-bitch who doesn’t know where his bread is buttered.
As usual, whenever someone sends out an All-Hands email, someone will invariably do a Reply All, so that everyone in the company can know what they are thinking, no matter how stupid. My friend Mark sent out one that started a whole chain of shit, to the point where the CEO of the company got involved. The CEO didn’t slam him, just picked up the phone to tell him to cool it. I thought his email was, in fact, brilliant. Then there were the apple polishers and asskissers, who had to enlighten us all in email. They seem to believe that this Christmas party will be THE social event on Guam, that the Executives in Charge NEVER made mistakes, and that we should all go and Have Fun.
What I did was simple. The day after the All-Hands email went out, I happened to be in the office of the guy who sent it, and told him point blank what I thought, to his face, in no uncertain terms. Told him that Sunday would be a problem for a lot of people, that the masquerade was the gayest idea for a Christmas party ever, and that the Party Committee never bothered to ask the employees what they thought of the idea before setting it in stone. The guy who sent the email, being a Company Man through and through, couldn’t think of a reply. Since he’s also a bit scared of me (which I like) my point got across.
Now usually these functions are really popular, with the majority of the employees in attendance. As of Friday, only about a third of my department is planning on going, and that number will probably go down even more.
I wanted to go, and if they had scheduled it on a Friday or Saturday night, I would have, masks and all. Now, the only way I’ll go is at gunpoint.
Now normally I avoid these type of gatherings, my aversion to Organized Fun being well known. This year, however, I had planned on taking the wife, for a couple of reasons. I wanted her to meet some of the people I work with, because some of them are actually really cool. The majority of them are married to Filipinas, so she would have someone to talk to. The second was so that she could put faces to names, as to have reference when come home from work and I talk about the assholes who are not cool. Third, since we rarely go out, I thought it would be a great opportunity for us to have a nice dinner, a few drinks, maybe dance a little, and have a little fun. Get a little drunk, come home and maybe get laid, a perfect evening.
The Weirdness set in when a member of the Company Christmas Party Organizing Committee (believe it or not, there is such a thing) blasted out an All Hands email to everyone in the company the other day. The email basically gave us the where’s and when’s of the party, and what would be going on. This email sparked a lot of conversation and some controversy that has yet to die down. For one thing, the Committee scheduled the party on a Sunday evening. This is a huge problem for a lot of people for a lot of reasons. Anyone with kids is not going to want to have them out late the night before a school night. A lot of people (like me) don’t like social events on a Sunday evening, because Sunday is the day we get recharged for the upcoming week. Get our brains prepped for the shit we know we will have to deal with. Laundry gets done, and if you’re a brown bagger, maybe prep some lunch stuff for the week. An evening spent in front of the TV, and go to bed early.
The second part of the Weirdness had to do with the theme of the party. It seems that they decided it would be a masquerade party. The company bought masks for everyone, and it would be MANDATORY that we all wear them. Whenever you lump the word “mandatory” along with what is supposed to be a fun event, trouble usually ensues, and it did this time. Almost immediately, people started talking about this, and between the masks (which I think is one of the stupidest ideas for a Christmas party) and scheduling it on a Sunday, I decided that we would not be going.
The Powers that Be later came back and said that the masks would be optional, but by then the damage was done. We all know what “optional” really means. If you don’t participate, then you’re viewed as a disloyal son-of-a-bitch who doesn’t know where his bread is buttered.
As usual, whenever someone sends out an All-Hands email, someone will invariably do a Reply All, so that everyone in the company can know what they are thinking, no matter how stupid. My friend Mark sent out one that started a whole chain of shit, to the point where the CEO of the company got involved. The CEO didn’t slam him, just picked up the phone to tell him to cool it. I thought his email was, in fact, brilliant. Then there were the apple polishers and asskissers, who had to enlighten us all in email. They seem to believe that this Christmas party will be THE social event on Guam, that the Executives in Charge NEVER made mistakes, and that we should all go and Have Fun.
What I did was simple. The day after the All-Hands email went out, I happened to be in the office of the guy who sent it, and told him point blank what I thought, to his face, in no uncertain terms. Told him that Sunday would be a problem for a lot of people, that the masquerade was the gayest idea for a Christmas party ever, and that the Party Committee never bothered to ask the employees what they thought of the idea before setting it in stone. The guy who sent the email, being a Company Man through and through, couldn’t think of a reply. Since he’s also a bit scared of me (which I like) my point got across.
Now usually these functions are really popular, with the majority of the employees in attendance. As of Friday, only about a third of my department is planning on going, and that number will probably go down even more.
I wanted to go, and if they had scheduled it on a Friday or Saturday night, I would have, masks and all. Now, the only way I’ll go is at gunpoint.
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