The Last of My Gibberish for 2010

"As I walk through this wicked world
Searchin for light in the darkness of insanity.
I ask myself: Is all hope lost?
Is there only pain and hatred, and misery?
And each time I feel like this inside,
There's one thing I wanna know:
What's so funny bout peace love & understanding?
What's so funny bout peace love & understanding?"
Elvis Costello

Well, kids, it’s New Years Eve Day here on the lovely island of Guam. As I write this, there are less than 16 hours left in this, The Year of Our Lord 2010.

Now I could, if I really wanted to, go off on some maudlin rant about how 2010 was a shitty year, and then list all of the shittyness in detail. I won’t do that, though. That would be Wrong, Petty, and more importantly, Boring. No one wants to read that kind of whiny emo bullshit, no matter who writes it.

Let’s just say that 2010 was not one of my better years, and leave it at that.

I have absolutely zero plans for celebrating the coming of 2011. My lovely bride is spending this Holiday Season with her family in the Philippines, and they are planning on having a normal Filipino New Year. Lots of food, fireworks, and a little Craziness thrown in for good measure.

I, on the other hand, will probably be spending the evening in our apartment having a long serious talk with my personal physician, Dr. Bombay Sapphire. I have neither the money nor the desire to head out Amongst Them in the bars and hotels, indulging in Bad Behavior and using the excuse that it’s the beginning of a New Year to get away with it.

For me, New Years Eve just marks the fact that I have survived yet another year on this earth, above ground as it were, and haven’t yet had to take "The Long Dirt Nap". Who knows what the New Year has in store for me, or for any of us for that matter?

My hopes for 2011 are pretty simple, actually. Win the Guam Sports Bingo, retire to the Philippines, and spend a few weeks back in the good old US of A seeing a bunch of family and friends that I haven’t seen in a long time. I would dearly love to make a trip to Texas to see my daughter and meet my son-in-law and grand daughter. Go back to Colorado and see my parents, spend a little back porch time with my dad. Swing by Missouri for a few days, then on to Oregon for a few days before heading back to the Philippines and retirement.

When I mention “retirement”, I mean living a quiet life “under the radar”. Live in a small house out in the provinces. Enjoy the simple pleasures of life. Fresh pan de sal delivered by bicycle to my house every morning. Hearing the laughter of my wife and her sisters. A lazy afternoon in a hammock under two mango trees, a gentle breeze to cool my fat ass. Firing up the BBQ and indulging in some pork the way my wife cooks it. Simple stuff, true, but the thought of those things appeals to me.

Aside from that, I don’t have Plan 1.

On behalf of my insanely beautiful and wonderful wife, who I miss terribly, I wish you all a very Happy and Prosperous New Year, a year filled with peace and love. May your homes be filled with laughter, a song in your heart.

Prosit Neujahr!

Manigong Bagong Taon sa Inyo!

Akemashite Omedeto Gozaimasu.

Thoughts on the human condition from my point of view here in the cheap seats……..

I have been known, from time to time, to literally bite the hand that feeds me when it comes to talking trash about the people who sign my paycheck. With that said, though, I have to compliment those who manage my department. They held a department appreciation luncheon yesterday at one of the nicer hotels here on Guam, with just the people in my department in attendance. It was a chance to break away from the Bad Craziness and sit down together as a group and enjoy a fine meal together, all on the companies’ dime and the companies’ time. Although I am generally opposed to outings like this, I had a good time, ate some good food, and had a few laughs. Not a bad way to spend a Tuesday afternoon.

=+=

The Wife (aka The Gorgeous One) has extended her visit to the Philippines for a week, and is now due to arrive back on Guam on January 10. We talk every evening, just to let each other know that we’re still alive and still very much in love with each other. Short conversations that usually don’t last more than 5 minutes, but they mean a lot to me (and I think to her too).

Even though our apartment is relatively small, with her not here it seems a whole lot bigger and a whole lot emptier. It’s weird to say it, but I actually miss her occasional nagging when I screw up at home, like forgetting to take the trash out. Still, she’s getting to spend some time with her family and recharge, so I absolutely have no room to say anything. Hell, if we had the money, I’d be there too.

= + =

Much like the way I spent the Christmas holidays, I have absolutely zero plans for New Years Eve or Day. I may have a conversation with Dr. Bombay in the privacy of my own home that evening, but as to going out to a bar, that simply won’t be happening. It will be way to crowded and way too expensive, and without the wife being here, kind of pointless. New Year celebrations at my age are merely a celebration that you have managed to stay above ground for another year without doing significant harm to yourself or others, and not a reason to go spend tons of money with complete strangers getting shitfaced in a bar.

= + =

Being that I am an early riser, I have gotten into the habit of turning on the TV and flipping it to one of the CNN stations, since it seems that every other channel is rocking the infomercials at the hours I get up at. Because of that I have come to the conclusion that Headline News really contains no news at all. Stories that don’t matter a damn to anyone but the most superficial amongst us. The only reason to watch at all has to do with the eye candy who happen to be staffing the news desk. Richelle Carey is totally not hard on the eyes while dishing up the rubbish that passes for news on that station.

That is All Ye Know, and All Ye Need to Know, for now anyway.

They Didn't Tell and I Didn't Ask

A lot of people who know my background have recently been asking me my opinion concerning the recent repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, which as we all know dealt with gays now being able to serve openly in the military. After all, I did spent 15 years wearing the green suit and another 11 as a Department of Defense civilian.

Even though the President has already signed the legislation, there is still work to be done within the multilayered bureaucracy that makes up the DoD before it will actually take affect. You would think that some of the planners in the Pentagon would have maybe come up with some of the background stuff that would need to be kicked into gear in the event that it actually happened, and I think someone probably did. Still, it will take some time before the new internal policies and procedures are in place before it will be truly safe for gays to openly admit their sexuality while wearing the uniform.

In my time in uniform, I knew more than a few people who were gay and serving. Some of them kept it totally on the down-low, and a person would be hard pressed to guess that the soldier in question was gay. Others I have known, to include a couple of noncommissioned officers, were damn near stating it point blank. My mind wanders back to a staff sergeant I knew on Okinawa who was so flamboyant that you just knew he was gay. He carried himself like a drag queen while wearing BDU’s, called nearly everyone who he was friendly with “Honey”, and practically had “I Like Cock” tattooed on his forehead. A walking stereotype, to be sure. He was also, I might add, a good NCO, a friend, and a superb technician.

Having said all of that, I never had any problems with gays in uniform, and don’t now. We all need someone to love, and all have our own personal attractions as to what we as individuals feel is beauty and what turns us on sexually. Who the hell am I to judge anyone on something as personal as who someone should love? There is an old axiom that says that “there are no atheists in foxholes”, and I think the same can be said about an individual sexuality. When the shit hits the fan, no one cares a damn who or what you happen to lick/suck/fuck when you’re in the privacy of your own bedroom (the exception being those who happen to dig children and furry creatures). By and large, most people just care that you’ll hold up your end and be someone that can be depended upon. Do your duty and take care of your end of the deal. Everything else is just details.

Much like when the military was integrated back in the 50’s, there will be some bumps in the road when this is all said and done. There will be more than a few problems that crop up and will have to be dealt with. For that matter, here we are in The Year of Our Lord 2010 and people are still dealing with racial issues, albeit not so much in the military. In the end, the repeal of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” will have much the same affect. A little bit of bullshit in the beginning, but in the end, not that big a deal.

I think in a decade or so, people will look back on DADT and wonder what all the fuss and bother was about.

An Update of Sorts

“I have tried to live my life so that my family would love me and my friends respect me. The others can do whatever the hell they please.”
John Wayne

We were standing outside smoking the other day when one of my friends from Saipan called. Our company (Totally Bogus Communications**) has two offices; one here on Guam and the other on Saipan. He called to tell us about the Christmas party the company had the other night (and that the company paid for). What he didn’t realize is that we here on Guam didn’t and aren’t going to have a Christmas party. He also mentioned that our beloved CEO and various other Managers flew in the day before the event so they could pay a short visit to the staff there, before adjourning to the golf course and their mistresses. My friend also mentioned the fact that the prime rib that was on the menu really kicked ass.

This struck me as wrong, in that our Christmas party here on Guam was cancelled. It also struck me wrong in that our CEO and various other hangers on had no problem flying to Saipan and spending two nights in a very nice hotel at company expense, while at the same time our Finance people nickel and dime us to death. This is the same CEO who can’t be bothered to walk across the street to the department where I work to visit the people who make his network function.

Yeah, I’m feeling the Christmas spirit from those who I work for, if by the Christmas spirit you mean the spirit of Ebenezer Scrooge prior to the visit by the Ghosts.

+=+

I sent an email to all 3 of my bosses the other day asking, point blank, whether or not we were going to get Holiday Bonuses, expecting to get absolutely no answer. Surprisingly, one of my bosses replied to the email in my favor, telling our next boss that if we aren’t going to have a Christmas party, the least they could do is give us a small stipend, show a little love. Surprising me again, our COO replied that he didn’t know of any plans to give us bonuses, but he would ask the CEO if it were going to happen or not.

Some of my friends thought it was pretty bold of me to ask the question. In my head, it was a pretty easy thing to do. The worst they could tell me is no, which is what I expected anyway.

Late this morning, we actually received a bonus, of sorts. We all received a Christmas card that contained a $50 gift certificate to be spent at Pay-More-For-Less, which is our local grocery store chain here on Guam. Money would have been nicer, but as someone once told me, “Never kick a gift horse in the balls”. As soon as I got mine, I used my lunch hour to spend it, the logic being that the bastards might change their minds about it and make us give them back.

+=+

For those who are unaware, my beloved Wife flew back to the Philippines last Saturday. Since she works at an elementary school, and the school let out for Christmas vacation last Friday, we figured a few months back that it would be a Good Thing for her to fly to the PI for a few weeks, rather than sitting at home doing nothing. She’s also there to get an MRI on her neck to see if there is something more serious than a pinched nerve in her neck.

It’s another Christmas alone for me, but it’s really not that big a deal. Christmas hasn’t meant much to me since my daughter got into her teenage years. Add to that the fact that I’ve been a shift worker for most of my adult life, and getting Christmas off was a very rare thing when I did work shift. My plans for Christmas Day are to do as little as possible, watch some movies, eat a lot of junk food, and maybe have a long discussion with Dr. Bombay later that evening.

Normally, I always send out Christmas cards to everyone, but just didn’t feel up to it this year. As I’ve said before, the Christmas Spirit has eluded me this year for some strange reason. With that said, though, I wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas and a joyous and prosperous New Year. 2010 has been an iffy year for me, and I’m hoping that 2011 is a lot better.

Happy Holidays, Ya’ll.

** Not the real name of the company I work for, but it fits nonetheless

Fictional and Real

Maybe it’s only me, but it seems like there are times when some of the people in our lives start to resemble fictional characters. You look at someone or interact with that person, and a thought pops into your brain. “This person reminds me of (someone from a movie, book or TV show)”. It’s happened to me a couple of times recently, when my mind starts to wander and nothing is on TV worth watching.

Phoebe Buffay (from Friends) = Coworker
Beautiful, funny, but not very bright. She’s nice, but you wouldn’t want to discuss deep subjects with her, because you’ll lose her in about a nanosecond. Think a combination of Phoebe and Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter. Ditzy but loveable nonetheless.

Moon (from the great Chinese movie Hero) = Coworker
Initially upon meeting her, you might think she’s a bit timid. Underneath it all, though, is a warrior waiting to come out when necessary. Like Moon, she’s beautiful in her own way; not breathtakingly beautiful but a beauty that is subtle. Quite easy to like her.

Jabba the Hut (Star Wars) = Coworker
Doesn’t have the criminal mind like Jabba, but looks a lot like him. Slovenly appearance, grossly overweight, almost greasy. Not someone a normal person likes to spend a lot of time with.

Sig Hansen (from The Deadliest Catch) = Friend
OK, Sig isn’t a fictional character, but my friend reminds me a lot of him. Totally focused on work, with a sense of humor that comes out in unpredictable but insanely amusing ways. Has “been there, done that” all over the world.

Dolores Umbridge (from Harry Potter) = Company HR Director
She gives off a vibe that says “The person in charge of the company is never, ever wrong”, much like the fictional Ms. Umbridge did in the Harry Potter movies when referring to the Minister of Magic. Like Umbridge, she’s also a colossal pain in the ass, writes a LOT of policies that are generally ignored or thought to be idiotic, and carries herself as if she is far better than everyone around her. She and the Executive Management Team are Purebloods, and the rest of us are either Mudbloods or, even worse, Muggles. Too bad we don’t have a centaur herd to introduce her to like Harry and Hermione did. Referred to around my office as “She Who Must Not Be Named”.

Young Obi Wan Kenobi (from the Star Wars prequels) = One of My Friends
Wise beyond his years. Knows a lot of shit and not afraid to share knowledge. Has a mischievous side that comes out on occasion. Needless to say, I love the guy to death.

The Sith Lord (Star Wars Episode III) = Company Executive
Evil down to his very core. Bizarre sense of humor about things that aren’t funny. Tries to convince people of shit that is dumb or makes no sense. Hated by many but doesn’t really care. Has his own agenda, and religiously sticks to that agenda.

Chandler Bing (from Friends)/Harry Potter = Me
I can relate a lot to Chandler. We’re both fucked up in our own way, married to women who are way too beautiful and way too good for us. Both of us like goofy shit. Harry and I both know that we are “the other thing”. We both have a close group of friends that we interact with and don’t stray far from those friends.

These are just some of the people in my life who share a close resemblance to some of the characters who have popped up in popular culture. I’m sure that we all know people who remind us of other people. Some of these revelations are funny; others are somewhat disturbing.

This That and Quite Possibly the Other Thing

“Hey goodbye all you punks, stay young and stay high, Hand me my checkbook as I crawl off to die, Like a woman in childbirth grown ugly in a flash, I’ve seen magic and pain now I’m recycling trash.”
The Who “They’re All In Love”

Notes, tidbits, and other garbage concerning work, life, and other varied gibberish.


Both the Gorgeous One and I are suffering the ill effects of aging recently. The wife is still bothered a lot by the pinched nerve in her neck and has been getting treatment with a chiropractor. I am suffering from what I call “Shit Just Hurts”. Knees, hips, and I’m having a weird problem with my left hand that is impacting my Quality of Life. Getting older sucks, but it beats hell out of the alternative.

= + =

As I reported in another blog that I have posted, our company has cancelled our annual Christmas get together. For me personally, it’s not a big deal because I never go to these things. Historically I look upon company gatherings in the same way I look at prostate cancer and penis surgery without anesthesia, meaning things I want nothing to do with. With that said, though, there are a lot of people in my company who actually look forward to these events. Get your eat on, have a few drinks, socialize with people in other departments, have a little fun.

The cancelling of the Christmas party has not stopped our Managers from scheduling their own little soiree at one of the local hotels (if you work for the company, you get one guess as to WHICH hotel). After working for the military for 26 years, I get that the leaders of an organization need to get together once in a while in a social setting away from the office. In the military, they call these things “Officers Call” or “Officers Dining Out”, and I agree that they are probably Good Things, even in a civilian setting. Where the leaders (OK in my company there are no leaders, only managers) get together and talk in a social setting about issues of the day. Maybe a few remarks about where we want to go in the future.

By cancelling the Christmas party, though, and going through with this little event, it sends an understated message to those people like myself, “in the trenches”, the ones with the dirt under their fingernails. That message is, “Screw you people. We, your Betters, are gonna have our fun. Oh, and by the way, don’t even DREAM about Christmas bonuses, because those won’t be happening this year, if ever.”

Even if that isn’t the intended message, it speaks volumes without actually saying a word.

= + =

In this day and age, a lot of company’s use email as a way to get information to their employees. I agree that it’s a wonderful tool for doing that, especially in organizations where weird hours and geography come into play. With that said, what do you call people who insist on doing “reply alls” to emails, even those that say “reply directly to me” in their content? The names I have for them are:

Retarded

Learning Disabled

Riders of the Short Bus

Egotistical Fornicators of Swine (because they feel that EVERYONE INVOLVED should know what their insignificant opinions are)

= + =

There are at least three people I know in my company who have received offer letters from other organizations in the past week. Sadly, most of them are really good at their jobs and are really good people. Two of them I love like brothers. While I am selfish when it comes to working with good people, I totally understand the fact that they are jumping. Hell, I wish I were in their shoes.

= + =

This apparently has been deemed The Week to Bleed for me. Three days in a row, something has happened at work that has caused me to lose blood. Monday it was my foot with a cut that basically ruined a pair of socks. Tuesday, the left index finger with a blister that popped and then started bleeding. Yesterday I accidently cut the tip of my right index finger, badly but not enough to require stitches, with the razor knife I carry on my belt to cut through cable insulation.

Yeah, it’s been one of Those Weeks.

Jobs Are Not Necessarily Professions

“Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy”
– Groucho Marx

There are people who would argue that there is no difference between what would be considered a “job” and a “profession”. I would tend to disagree with this argument.

A profession is something that someone throws themselves into lock, stock, and barrel. What they do for a living in many ways defines who they are as a person. There is a certain level of excitement and enthusiasm involved with having a profession. You live and breathe what you do, can’t wait for the next day to begin so you can engage in activities directly related to that profession.

On the other hand, a job is something that a person does to put food in their bellies and a roof over their heads. A job is often something that is soul-crushing. While we may as individuals be proud of what we do , the work we do doesn’t define who we are as individuals. It’s something that we must do in order to take care of the ones we love, to feed ourselves, and something we just have to do in order to get through life in one piece. Many people who have jobs hate what they have to do in order to survive, and if they had a real choice, would probably be doing something else.

In my adult life, I have had both jobs and professions. Ironically, I’ve had both with the current company I work for, all within the space of about four years.

When I first started, and for the first year or so I was excited about doing what I was doing. I worked with great people, great managers and leaders, and believed what I was doing had an impact on peoples lives. People would see the company logo emblazoned across my chest and back, and I was proud to wear that logo. People would ask me, “Are you with (that company name)?”and I would always proudly reply that, yes I am.

Now, when someone asks the question, say, when I’m standing in line to buy a cup of coffee, I cringe. Because I know what’s coming - the complaints. Bad craziness from people who think that if I talk to the guy from that company, shit will get fixed. There I am, relatively innocent, getting abused by a stranger for reasons I have zero control over.

Nope, I no longer have the same feelings as before. Now it’s a job and nothing more. The way I have at my disposal to pay my rent, put food in my wife’s stomach, pay my alimony. A lack of leadership and basic Managerial Cluelessness have caused my faith to wane, hard. Try as I might to focus on the positive and forget about the negative, I’m afraid that it just isn’t working.

A lot of people I know are bailing out, leaving the sinking ship. Others are actively seeking other ways to pay for shit, and not all are by definition morally upright things. Still others have their resumes handy on their desktops and pounce on opportunities as they become available.

Kinda sad, really.

I'm Bringing It Back

Obscene language has changed over the years. What were one considered as “taboo”, “naughty”, “foul” or “dirty” words are in many instances a part of the cultural landscape now. Their use has evolved; they are used so much now that we just take them for granted.

The word “fuck” comes to immediately to mind in my head when it comes to words or phrases that have lost some of their power. With the advent of rap music and other pop culture twists, the word has lost a lot of its power as a “bad word”. While it’s still not a word that can easily be used in, say an office environment or the Vatican, out in the real world it’s used so much as to have lost a lot of its punch.

That’s why I’m bringing the use of the word “cunt” back.

In the book Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue, the word is described as “a nasty name for a nasty thing” or “a very despicable person”. (Love that word, despicable). Someone horrible, rotten to the core, bad, unredeemable, nasty, terrible, hideous, atrocious.

It has mostly been used throughout the years as an offensive term used to describe the vagina. Now I don’t know about anyone else, but I’ve never used the word in that particular context. There are far better sounding words that can be used to describe the vagina, which truth be told is one of my favorite anatomical parts, and the one that gets most men in a whole lot of trouble.

Cunt used to be used in a lot of British comedy, such as Monty Python’s Flying Circus, and in many British sitcoms. While it was considered a bad thing to call someone, there was also a quaintness about it, along with a good bit of humor. Someone would call someone else “a silly cunt” and you would laugh about it.

These days, it’s considered by many to be worse than using the word fuck. Taboo. Forbidden. “The Word Not To Be Used” (taking a Harry Potter-Voldemort sort of spin against it). I think we the general public should exploit that badness, that awesome ugliness, and use it more. When speaking about a woman in a derogatory fashion, the word most often used is the word “bitch”, and it too has lost a lot of its punch and power over the years. Again, rap music had a hand in it through the use of phrases like “bitches and ho’s” but rap isn’t totally to blame. It’s a common word even on basic cable these days. Even sitcoms aired in prime time use the word.

“She’s just being bitchy”.
“She acted like a real bitch towards him.”

I am proposing that we all try to use the word cunt more in our daily speech, and not just when talking about a person who is evil or just plain wrong. No, I think we should use it to refer to anyone, male or female, who is stupid or evil or just an overall pain in the ass.

“That guy just cut me off in traffic. What a cunt that guy is.”
“Your boss is a real cunt.”
“John’s son just spit on me. He’s about a spoiled little cunt.”

See? There’s power in that little word. Power that tells the listener exactly how horrible the person being spoken about actually is. Very little ambiguity involved if you refer to someone in this way. Just the way the word sounds coming off of the tongue expresses distain. If said with enough menace behind it, there is even some evil that comes with it.

Language, like a lot of things, evolves over time. In the world of slang, I think it’s about time for cunt to make a comeback, so to speak. Use it in daily conversations, print it on t-shirts, in advertising.

“Yes, I Know I’m a Cunt”
“It’s Cuntilicious”
“Cunt-like behavior”
"Cuntageous"

Some Things Never Change

Well, kidlings, it’s that most wonderful time of the year again. The Christmas spirit is already in the air, people are gearing up for the holiday season, making plans to see loved ones and overeat. Overspend and max out your credit cards buying shit that will be forgotten about two hours after the wrapping has been removed. I know that sounds kind of harsh, but for me I haven’t felt very Christmas-y since my daughter was living at home. It just doesn’t feel the same as when you have kids in your house as when you are by yourself.

It is also time for Christmas parties within the various workplaces, which is the subject of this little story.

I thought, after last year’s debacle with Mandatory Fun for our company Christmas party that our company would have learned. For a while, I thought that they did. All of us were informed well in advance that there would be a Christmas party at a nice hotel, and I was actually planning on attending said function.

My company had made reservations well in advance for the hotel and plonked down a huge deposit for the hall and the food. They had a committee of employees put together to plan it all out, and from what I heard from the sidelines, they actually had their collective shit together. Like I said, I was actually looking forward to attending this event, and if you know anything at all about me, that’s a rare thing. I generally HATE company gatherings, other than the one we do to raise money for cancer.

Alas, it is not to be. The employees were informed earlier this week that the Christmas party had been cancelled. Apparently, the cancellation took place for a couple of reasons, although none of them were made known to the general employee population. The information I got came from sources that were involved in the actual planning of the festivities.

The first was that it was scheduled for a Saturday night, and some of the Upper Management decided, at the last minute, that people might actually consume alcoholic adult beverages if an event were held on a Saturday night. Since that was a distinct possibility, it’s a good enough reason to cancel the event. Really? You mean, grown adult people who are above the Legal Drinking Age might decide that having a couple of belts with their coworkers would be a good way to have a little fun? Say it isn’t so! People might want to drink a couple of drinks, tell funny stories about things that happen at work, and actually have a good time? Perish the thought, we can’t have that.

The second reason that I heard directly from a member o f the committee was that there is a meeting that will be happening amongst the big-wigs during the week leading up to the party. It was felt by a member of Senior Management that after that week of meetings, that none of the managers involved in said meetings would be in the Holiday Spirit. So, because the managers would be down in the mouth, the employee Christmas party was also cancelled. Because, if the managers were in a foul mood, then the employees certainly don’t deserve a little party paid for by the company, to show the company’s appreciation for all of their hard work during the year. No no, can’t have that.

Now I know a couple of the people who sat on this little planning committee, and I know for a fact that they had nothing to do with the party being cancelled. No, it was one member of Senior Staff who made these decisions. Basically told the committee members, “Thanks for your great ideas, but we’re cancelling it anyway. Too bad, tough shit. Oh, and by the way, don’t even think about Christmas bonuses”

What does all of this say to the employees? Pretty simple actually. It says, right out loud in front of God and everyone, that the company simply doesn’t appreciate its employees. Doesn’t give a shit about them.

Another odd thing about all of this is that all of the Senior Managers have been silent about it. No emails saying why it was cancelled. No explanations. Nothing. “Hello down there to all you pissants and worker bees. Just to let you know, we were gonna have a Christmas party, but we cancelled it. All of the managers will be bummed out, and we’re afraid that some of you might have one too many and really tell us what you think. As if we really cared what you drones and peasants actually think about anything. Also, forget about Christmas bonuses. The word “bonus” is hereby banned from the corporate vocabulary unless you are a member of Senior Staff of course. Keep working hard and making money for the stockholders.”

If it says anything at all, it just shows how out of touch with reality and the work force the management team is where I work at. They pay lip service to actually caring about the employees, when in fact we the employees know that they don’t.

One of the funniest things about this whole situation has to do with the facility that we were going to have the party at. Apparently, the Senior Staff member who was behind the cancellation actually got pissed off when the hotel told said Senior Staff person that, because the company cancelled at such a late date, you don’t get your rather significant deposit back. Nope, not one cent. This I find very amusing, but then again, whenever this particular member of Senior Staff gets screwed over, I find it amusing. In fact, hilarious.

So, because our Senior Management hasn’t felt the need to do so, I am providing the official Christmas Message to all my fellow employees:

“Work Harder, You Bastards. Christmas is Cancelled. Fuck Off and Die, but Do So on Your Own Time”

The most wonderful time of the year, indeed. I feel warm all over.

Movie Review: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

I freely admit it; I’m a Harry Potter geek. This series of books has to rank up there as one of the best told stories in literature. Some would write it off as “kid’s literature”, but these are the same people who have never read the books. Not only is the story a riveting one, it’s also well told. J.K. Rowling just has a style that pulls you in and never lets go. The books are insanely good, and the movies that have come out of the books have been done really well up till now. At 47 years of age, I am unashamedly a fan of both.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 opened in theaters last Friday night, and I was fortunate enough to get two free tickets to attend. Since The Gorgeous One (my bride) isn’t into HP or the cinema in general, she let me to go and see it without her. That’s probably a good thing, since it probably wouldn’t have done her any good mentally to see her 47 year old husband go totally geek.

Going in to the movie, I already knew why they made two movies out of the last book in the series. The fact is that within Deathly Hallows, J. K. Rowling covered a lot of ground in the story of Harry and Co. I also knew that even with splitting the book into two movies, some scenes would be cut back drastically to only show the critical plot points.

The opening of the movie is quite somber, as the main characters get ready to start on the quest for the horcruxes. Harry says goodbye to the Dursleys, and reminisces about what life has been like in that house when he revisits the little space underneath the stairway where he used to sleep. The scene where Hermione wipes her parent’s memory of her existence kind of sets the stage for this darkest in the Harry Potter series, In the book she only explains it, but actually seeing it was really sad. Voldemort and his followers gathered around a large table is also quite menacing and just felt more menacing on the screen than it did in the book. It’s a dark opening because it’s a dark book, as war is just around the corner.

The filmmakers did a good job putting all of the pieces of this very complicated story together into something cohesive. There is a lot of ground to cover, and they could not have covered it any better, unless they were planning on making two 4 hour movies.

To be honest, while I understood why they did it, the shrinking of some of the events in the movie kind of made them lose some of the weight that they had in the book. For example, in the book, Harry, Ron and Hermione are stuck in Sirius’s house after the wedding for a long time trying to decide what they are going to do. In the movie, they made it seem like a couple of days at most. The same goes for their time jumping around from place to place in hiding. The scene where the main characters escape from the Malfoy house wasn’t nearly what I thought it was when reading it off the written page, and again seemed a lot briefer in the movie than it was in the book.

But these are minor complaints at best. Visually, the movie is really well put together, with more of the incredible special effects we have come to expect in the series. The fight to get Harry to the Weasley house; the search in the Ministry of Magic for the locket of Slytherin; all of them. The effects were so good that I actually jumped in my seat during the scene in Godrick’s Hollow where Harry is fighting Nagini. This is spite of the fact that I KNEW what was going to happen, having read the book. The colors and the scenes just seemed to pop out of the screen, as it they had been fine tuned.

Part 1 ends with the death of Dobby and the acquisition of the Elder Wand by Voldemort, which I thought was probably the best place to end the first part of the story. All in all, I was really happy with what I saw, and can’t wait to see Part 2. I want to see how they handle the battle scene at the end, and the epilogue especially. If you haven't read the books or seen any of the movies, don't waste your time going. You won't understand anything that happens because you don't have anything to base it on. If you haven’t seen the flick yet, take thyself to your local metroplex forthwith and plonk down your hard earned and be prepared to be entertained for a couple of hours. You won’t be disappointed.

Personal Rules and Idiot Updatage

“When I'm sittin on a toilet, in a house that I dont know,

Looking all around me where the toilet paper goes,

Feeling real uneasy, feeling real uncertain,

Cause I gotta wipe my butt again,
With the shower curtain,

Its those little thangs, those little itty bitty thangs,

Its those little things like that, that piss me off”

Rodney Carrington – It’s Those Little Things that Piss Me Off


I’m trying to impose some new rules on myself at work. It’s not that I’ve done anything wrong my own self. No, these rules, if I follow them, will probably help me keep some of my sanity intact, and help keep my blood pressure down a little bit.

This is what I’m gonna try to do starting today:

+ Say as little as humanly possible to coworkers except for my closest friends. Keep it short, sweet, and to the point.

+ Severely limit all interaction with managers/supervisors/executive management weasels. Most of the people I work for have their own particular agendas that are evil, stupid and just plain Wrong, and it’s getting really hard to not get in their faces.

+ Avoid corporate headquarters (also known as “The Death Star” or “The House that Fellatio Built”). I used to love going over there and casually flirting with some of the women that work over there and making a few people laugh along the way. I do have some friends that work in that building, people I really like as friends and coworkers, but sadly, there is just too much other bullshit to deal with when I go over there. That and the fact that every time I leave that building, I feel the sudden urge to get a shower and maybe a tetanus shot.

+ Spend more time at outlying communications facilities that I am responsible for and less time at my office. By doing that, there is less chance that I will lose my temper when I observe idiotic behavior, and it will also allow me to avoid certain people better.

If I’m able to do all of the above or even most of them, I think the chances that I will continue to go home pissed off will greatly diminish.

=+=+=

The two butt-lickers that work in my office are at it again. One of them is clapped up with the Death Flu, and rather than stay his morbidly obese ass home and recover, he comes to work and spreads his filthy disease amongst everyone. It’s a known fact that people who work in close quarters spread diseases amongst themselves, which is a fact that Dickless has not learned yet. The guy doesn’t even have the common decency to cover his mouth when he coughs, and he coughs a LOT. The other one just pisses me off by walking in the room. He and I don’t talk to each other at all unless absolutely necessary, even for the sake of basic human politeness. I don’t think he’s figured it out yet that everyone who works with him feels that he’s utterly useless and is only keeping his job because he is someone in managements bitch. He’s an idiot who has his own delusions of grandeur.

=+=+=

Both of the women in my life are having health issues, and both of them have me worried. The Awesome Daughter just had a CT scan done to try to find out what the hell is wrong with her ear, which has been causing her a lot of grief lately. The Gorgeous One (a.k.a. The Wife) is still dealing with a pinched nerve issue in her neck that is driving her crazy. To top that off, I’m having a few health issues of my own that I will be going to go see a doctor about. Numbness in ring and pinkie fingers on my left hand that for no apparent reason. Rashes that come and go along with itching that only popping Zyrtec helps with. I’ll make an appointment to see my curmudgeon of a doctor next week and see if he can find out what the hell is wrong with me.

=+=+=

The movie I have been waiting all year for is finally coming out tomorrow, and I’m real excited about it. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 hits the theaters, and I really want to go see it. The wife probably won’t want to go because she’s not into HP, but I’m gonna go. My company is giving away 10 sets of tickets in a raffle, and maybe I can even go for free.

=+=+=

That is All Ye Know and All Ye Need to Know, for now anyway.

Jammage

As anyone who has known me well realizes, music is one of my passions. It’s my hiding place, where I can go and escape the weirdness and reality of the real world and focus on nothing. Forget all about all of my troubles, frustrations, stupid shit. Let the tunes take my psyche somewhere good, somewhere pure. No bills, no crazy people, no idiots. Put the headphones on or sit in the car and crank up the power, let the jammage wash over me, get some cleanliness on my soul. If I’m alone or in a car, I can’t help but sing along with my horribly off tune voice that makes me happy regardless.

I find it interesting to know what friends are listening to because it kind of lets you know where they are and what’s making them feel good. Here are some of the things I have be wrapping my brain around lately.

The Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald – Gordon Lightfoot
They just celebrated the anniversary of the sinking of the Edmond Fitzgerald not too long ago, which reminded me of this great song. Stark and somber, perfect voice that are singing descriptive words, with a great guitar underlying all of it. Gordon Lightfoot tells the story in such a way that you’re just immediately drawn in, wanting to know what happened. It’s sad, but at the same time it honors the 29 men who died.

Wolf Creek Pass – C.W. McCall
An old song from the 70’s that I hadn’t heard in a while until recently. For those of you unfamiliar with it, it’s the story of two guys driving a truck loaded with chickens over the pass and the Bad Craziness that happens. A hilarious song that makes me laugh and smile even today. I love a lot of C.W.’s work, but this is my favorite, with “Crispy Critters” coming in a close second.

Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner – Warren Zevon
Another genius who died way too young, Zevon gave us so many great jams. A mercenary who gets murdered by his “friend”, and comes back from the grave to get his revenge.

Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me – Elton John
I don’t know what drove me to this song recently, but something did and did so in a big bad way. A favorite for singing in the car at the top of your lungs and not giving a shit what the guy in the next lane thinks. Beautiful lyrics, and probably my favorite Elton John song.

Jewish Princess – Frank Zappa
Love me some Frank Zappa, for the simple reason that he makes me think and laugh at the same time. Frank was a master at wordplay and does so masterfully. The line about “she squeaks when she comes” is just too funny!

Walk On Medley – Boston
Layered power chords, basically one song broken down into four separate parts. Orchestrated electrical goodness that demands to be played loud. Sometimes a brother just has to rock out.

Goodbye Earl – Dixie Chicks
The greatest song about premeditated murder/revenge ever written, bar none. Funny as hell with a great bit of music interweaving in the story. I love the Chicks, and this is one of my favorites. The video, featuring Dennis Franz as Earl, is really good. “We’ll pack a lunch, and stuff you in the trunk, Earl”.

These are just some of the many things I have been injecting into my head, and they help me maintain what is left of my sanity.

That Morbid Monday Feeling Strikes Again

“But there's a warnin' sign on the road ahead
There's a lot of people sayin' we'd be better off dead
Don't feel like Satan, but I am to them
So I try to forget it, any way I can.”
Neil Young – Rockin’ In The Free World

Well, kidlings, another weekend has passed by, and I’m actually happy that it is up and gone. I’m dealing with some weirdness at home, some “marital strife” that we are going through. I won’t go into too many details, but let’s just say that we haven’t been getting along very well. Some of it is of my own doing, and some of it is not. Let's just say that there hasn't been a whole hell of a lot of laughter at my house lately, and leave it at that.

=+=

Enough of the maudlin shit. I’m trying to put together an audition CD for one of the local radio stations in the hope that I can nail down some employment as what they refer to as an “On Air Personality”. When I was in high school, I always thought that being a Disk Jockey would be the coolest job in the world to have. Getting paid to play music and talk shit seems like it would be a whole lot of fun, and it’s something I would love to try. Don’t know how it will go, but if you don’t try then you’ll never know. At the same time, I’m gonna send in some writing samples from some of the local magazine work I’ve done, so if the DJ thing isn’t their particular cup of tea, then maybe I could do some part time writing.

It’s all about trying something new, and at the same time, finding ways to generate some additional cash money for me own self. This has all of the appearances of being another Bleak Christmas, and I’m doing what I can to at least pick up enough extra cash to get my loved ones some decent Christmas presents, especially my granddaughter.

Fingers crossed (and maybe dicks too).

=+=

Starting to believe that Guam Sports Bingo (our version of the lottery) is fixed. I play a couple of times a week, and for the past 6 months or so, haven’t won anything. I have won small prizes twice, one for $52 and another for $35, but lately it just seems like I’m throwing money down a hole. I keep telling myself “don’t do it” but in the end I end up at the grocery store buying another ticket. I’ll then log on to their web site the night after the draw, and find that most of the time I don’t even come close to winning anything.

I just broke down and bought another ticket, because the way my finances are, I need me a miracle and soon. I’m not greedy; just an extra $5,000 would help me out a lot right now. The jackpot is now at $12 Million, but even a small part of that would help out a ton.

I believe that miracles happen, and right now I could use one, financially speaking.

=+=

My obsessive ways have reared their ugly heads again. First it was playing Full Tilt Poker online (play money; I’m too poor to play real money), and playing for hours on end. Then it was downloading music off of YouTube. Now it’s doing jigsaw puzzles online. I started doing the puzzles the other night, and really enjoyed the hell out of it. Something very soothing about it, immersing yourself in putting a puzzle together and not thinking about the chaos that surrounds you.

= + =

Hope that all of you who read this blog (all 4 of you) have a great week!!

Journalism is Dead (Or At Least Wounded)

Many of my favorite writers have a somewhat skewed view when it comes to journalism. A lot of them feel that journalism is something that is below their stature as writers, but something that one must do in order to pay the bills in between book gigs. The great Dr. Hunter S. Thompson hated the gigs, but since the money was good, succumbed to it (hilariously I might add).

There aren’t a lot of journalists that I would say I am a fan of, either on TV or online, but there are a few. Sarah Kwak writes about hockey for the online version of CNN/Sports Illustrated, and she’s awesome. This young lady knows her shit when it comes to the NHL, and her writing style makes her quite easy and enjoyable to read. Ms. Kwak gives you the facts about whatever she’s writing about, and sometimes very subtly injects her sense of humor into her work as well. Great sports writer, and probably THE best person writing about hockey anywhere.

Then there are the bad sports writers. The ones who come across in their writing as if they are all knowing and all being. Peter King of Sports Illustrated/NBC Sports falls into this category. I used to love reading his work, but over the last couple of years, I have found him to be irritating and pompous; an arrogant piece of shit. He clearly has no journalistic credibility when it comes to writing about his hero Brett Farve, because over the years he has kissed Farve’s ass to the point of no return. He lost me completely when he made a smart assed remark about The Who playing at halftime in the last Super Bowl, and for that reason alone he should just shut the fuck up.

On the non-sports side, the number of reporters/journalists that I can tolerate is also a small list. I like Anderson Cooper of CNN, because he comes across as a clear professional all the time. Some of my friends have a problem with Anderson because he’s openly gay. To be honest, his sexual orientation never entered into the picture as far as I’m concerned. It’s not like he’s going on the air and saying stuff like, “Today President Obama had a townhall meeting in southern Iowa to talk about drug law reform. Oh, by the way, I like cock.” Even if he did, so what? The fact of the matter is that he’s a pretty damn good reporter who doesn’t try to inject himself into the story.

Kelly O’Donnell from NBC is a really good location reporter, and probably the only reason to watch NBC News in general or the Today show in particular. Gets her facts lined up, does her research, and again, doesn’t try to inject her own opinion into things. Straight up professional and the fact that she’s probably one of the few white women who actually makes me drool also makes me a fan.

Other than that, I can’t think of any reporter/journalist that really trips my trigger. Maybe it’s because I grew up watching Walter Cronkite on TV, who was THE MAN when it came to reporting. Even as a small child, I could appreciate his Art for what it was. When he came on, it was as if you had a favorite uncle stopping by to relay the news of the day to you.

Most of the reporters these days, and 99% of the anchors on various shows are just bodies and nothing else. I’ll watch Robin Meade on CNN Headline news once in a while if I’m bored, but merely from the eye candy perspective and not from any real sense that I’m going to be informed about the news of the day. All of the hosts on ESPN are idiots, and most of the time I watch it with the sound turned off.

It all makes me wonder when someone in the media is going to step up, get some game. Unfortunately, I think the days of Uncle Walter and Edward R. Murrow are dead and gone. I get better news from Jon Stewart and the Daily Show, and also get to laugh a lot in the process.

Coworker Issues, The Silent Treatment, and Other Gibberish

Some of my friends have the wrong impression about how I address people at work, so for their general benefit, let me explain my somewhat backwards philosophy. You see, it has to do with the fact that I address some people as “Mr. Smith” or “Ms. Jones”, and some people by their first names. In my weird way of thinking, addressing someone by Mr. or Ms. is a sign of disrespect. It’s acknowledging their presence and very little else. It also means, 9 times out of 10, that I really don’t trust that person, not even a little bit.

Addressing someone by their first name speaks of familiarity and trust; people you can depend on, friends, coworkers you want to go fight the forces of darkness and evil with. The people that you know deep in your soul have your back when things get shitty. Sad to say, but in my particular company, there are no individuals in management positions that meet this criteria.

Since the company I work for is Japanese owned, some people have gotten into the habit of addressing coworkers by their first name with –san added at the end of it. Those who have tried to do this with me rarely do it twice because of the reaction that it gets them. It would be different if the company itself was actually located in Japan; then the –san would be more than acceptable. Since the company is in fact on Guam, the –san thing bothers me, a lot. The last person who did this got a big blast of German thrown his way, which confused him a great deal and amused me to no end. I don’t mind it so much when Japanese people do it, but when others do, I have to remind them in my own brutal way that the title is unacceptable to me.

=+=

For some strange reason, the word “tallywacker” popped up in my head the other day. For those of you who have never heard the word, “tallywacker” is a slang word for the penis. It’s one that’s not used very much anymore (the word, not the actual penis), and for some reason it struck me as amusing. The word “scallywag” also popped up in my frontal lobes. It’s an old word and just sounds cooler than calling someone an asshole. “That guy, he’s a damn scallywag”.

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There are people who believe that giving an individual “the silent treatment” is punishing them. If the wife does it, I know that she is well and truly pissed off at me. This has happened a couple of times in the last month or so, and it really isn’t fun to deal with.. When it comes from someone that you love, the silent treatment sucks.

If some of my coworkers that I don’t like do it, I think to myself “Thank Christ this asshole has finally shut the hell up.” In fact, there are two of them (the brown-nosers I have mentioned in earlier blogs) where I would be more than overjoyed if they never spoke to me again. The words that come out of their mouths are usually stupid, and of course there is the scent of Executive Penis on their breath to deal with.

=+=

The wife and I are both dealing with issues relating to aging, even though we are both in our 40’s. As you get older, shit just starts to hurt. Knees sound like someone stepping on a bag of Rice Krispies when you get out of bed. Aches and pains in places that you didn’t even know you had.

The most noticeable thing to me have been my farts. When I turned 40, they started getting loud but not smelly. Just a whole lot of noise but really no content. Now, as I approach my 48th year, there has been a change. I don’t know if it’s overwork or poor diet or what, but now I’m emitting ass gas that literally stops all conversation in a room. Smells so horribly Wrong that I stink out my own self.

=+=

Speaking of fecal related matters, how gross is it when someone gets shit on the seat of the toilet? What are they doing that would cause this?

And is it too much to ask that someone have the common decency to flush after they have “dropped some kids off at the pool”? I ran into this the other day where I work. What really caught my attention as I was noticing this was that there was no toilet paper accompanying said turdage. Taking a dump & not wiping your ass is just beyond gross and nasty.

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I hope that everyone enjoys their Veterans Day off tomorrow. While you are engaged in relaxing activities, I ask that everyone take a moment to think about those in uniform and the sacrifices they make and have made to our country. Like the song says, “All Gave Some, Some Gave All”.

Snackage

We all have them. Those things that we like to stuff into our faces, either to fill an obvious void (hunger), a reward for something that we may have done, or just the simple fact that we want to indulge in something tasty. It’s called snacking, or as I sometimes refer to it, snackage.

The Gorgeous One and I were talking about snackage the other night, and it got me to thinking about the garbage I like to stuff into my pie hole on a regular basis. Sort of a self analysis of what it is that I like to munch on, instead of balanced nutritious things.

Pop Tarts
Rarely if ever do these things actually get in the general vicinity of a toaster in my house. The wife actually tried one for the first time the other day and wasn’t impressed. I like ‘em straight out of the box, in quantity.

Salted-In-The-Shell Peanuts
I sometimes argue that, “hey, they’re nuts and therefore are nutritious”. The wife argues, “but they’re very salty”. I buy them in 3 pound bags, and rarely does a bag last a week. For some reason, they just taste better right out of the shell.

Watermelon Seeds
This is hands down the wife’s favorite thing to snack on, or what I refer to as “your heroin” when I buy her a new bag. We buy them in 1 pound bags, and if there are some in the house, she’s probably eating them.

Cap’n Crunch Cereal
Cold cereal in general has been a favorite for my entire life. Once in a while I’ll have a bowl with milk, but most of the time, I’m eating it right out of the box. Cap’n Crunch (all three varieties) make for great “sitting on your ass in front of the television” snacking. Horribly sweet, no nutritional value whatsoever, and very tasty. A person could probably get diabetes from eating a box with the Crunch Berries in it because this particular brand takes sweetness to an entirely obscene level.

Cheese
Another snack that the wife and I have discussed, with me again arguing that it’s a dairy product and I’m thus getting my daily intake of calcium. She believes that it's one of the reasons I'm getting fat. I like to buy the large blocks of it and cut huge chunks off. Forget crackers; they’re not necessary. I lean towards sharp cheddar and Colby for munching, but Edam and Gouda also work quite well.

Little Debbie Fudge Brownies
The first day my wife actually spent on Guam, she was introduced to this particular treat, because I had two boxes of ‘em in the refrigerator. Now we can’t keep them in the house. I once ran into a sale at our local grocery on these particular plastic wrapped pieces of awesomeness, and bought 5 boxes. The wife chastised me slightly before we basically destroyed one box in the space of fifteen minutes. Chocolaty goodness.

Sky Flakes
A cracker made in the Philippines. Similar to saltines, but a lot crispier and taste better than any saltine you have ever eaten. Here on Guam, they sell them in big plastic tubs, and they’re really great just by themselves.

C2 Green Tea
OK, technically it’s a drink and not a snack. The wife and I both drink a lot of it, as we have been trying to cut back on the soft drinks. We buy it in 500 mL bottles and keep it in the fridge, ice cold. Very light, totally refreshing, and not terribly overpoweringly sweet.

On second thought, maybe this self examination thing wasn’t such a good idea. Damn, I eat a lot of junk!!

Music, Lotterys and Porky Goodness

“Masquerading as a man with a reason, My charade is the event of the season, And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know.”
– Kansas “Carry On Wayward Son”


Like a lot of people, I would someday like to be “J.K. Rowling Rich”. Unlike a lot of people, it’s not because I want to roll around in a ton of cash, buy a lot of shit for myself, live in the lap of luxury, wipe my ass with $50 bills. No, I want the money so I can help out those I love and spoil the three significant women in my life (daughter, wife, grand daughter) utterly rotten. So my wife doesn’t have to look through the bargain bin at the grocery store for one of her favorite snacks (Goldilocks cakes). To be able to buy things for her that I know she loves; simple things that bring a smile to her face. I want my beautiful and smart as hell grand daughter to be able to attend the college of her choice, cost be damned. My daughter behind the wheel of the car of her choice, and not having to sweat the cost of gas or insurance. To be able to not worry about making the paycheck stretch until the next payday, indulge myself when the urge to buy some DVD’s or books strikes me.

Hence the reason I play the lottery. You may say it’s a long shot, but then again, stranger things have happened. There was a guy here on Guam who had never played the lottery but bought a ticket just because his cousin was buying one and decided to take a shot, and ended up winning $500K. It’s a long-shot, sure, but you can’t win if you don’t play, so play I must. Saturday nights jackpot is $12 Million Large Dollars, so I may double up my purchase.

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It’s pretty cool when music can surprise you. A song or an artist you haven’t heard in a long time suddenly pops up and brings a smile to your face. That’s kind of where I’m at right now, listening to a lot of Boston and Kansas. Massive slabs of music that you can wrap yourself up in, feed the soul, make you forget about some of the shitty aspects of life, even for a few moments. If you have never heard Boston’s “Walk On Medley” off their fourth album, by all means buy/download it. That and some Kansas “Song for America”.

+++++

Barbequed pork is just another way that God tells us He loves us, severely. I had the leftovers from Saturday nights outing up in Yigo for lunch, and it’s even better (if that’s even possible) than it was when it was hot off the grill. It really doesn’t get much better than pig meat cooked over flame outside. Between that and the awesome chicken wings I inhaled Saturday night, the Gorgeous One and I were both suffering the effects of meat sickness. That feeling when you know that you have eaten way way way too much food.

+++++

White guilt “refers to the concept of individual or collective guilt often said to be felt by some white people for the racist treatment of people of color by whites both historically and presently.” That’s the definition of the term as found on Wikipedia. I have news for some of the people on this island who may think I suffer from this; I don’t. My ancestors never persecuted anyone, and as far as I know never reacted in racist ways towards anyone. I say that so that the people who continually ask me for money to buy gas (or crack) when I walk into a grocery store will stop doing it. While I’m not on public assistance, I am not rich simply because I happen to be white. The concept that white people might actually not have money just falling out of their pockets is apparently a foreign one to a lot of people.

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The wife has been suffering greatly from a pinched nerve in her neck/shoulder, and when she suffers, I suffer. Not from any phantom pains or anything like that. My sweet, wonderful wife, when she’s sick, sometimes turns into an evil person, and this evil is naturally directed towards me. Since I know the source of it all, I try my best to just ignore the snappy attitude and try to be the supportive husband, doing whatever I can to try to make her feel better. So far, she’s been to a chiropractor, two massage therapists, and a couple of doctor visits, and none of them have really worked. She’s on a ton of drugs, including Valium for pain, and we’re hoping that the damn nerve starts to heal soon. It’s driving her crazy, and me along with it.

More later. Must Work Now.

It Never Hurts to Dream

The following is a fantasy I have had on more than one occasion…….

As I normally do, I check the Sports Bingo results the morning after the draw. Within seconds, I realize that the wife and I are now rich, money beyond our wildest fantasies (and I have some major fantasies). I rush out to the place we purchased the ticket, and within a few minutes it’s confirmed. I’m now the $6 Million Dollar Man, minus the bionic powers of Steve Austin.

It’s arranged that we will pick up the check in two days time, so we start to plan out some things. Of course, we tell not one soul that we’ve won. No friends, no family, no one. We open an account with one of the Philippine banks that has an office on Guam, and make some airplane reservations. It’s agreed that the wife will leave a couple of days ahead of me, and I’ll stay behind on Guam and make a few arrangements. We celebrate our good fortune by going out to a fine dinner, then coming home and making love all evening.

The day comes where we will actually get the money, and I call in sick to work. We insist that no photos be taken of us getting the check as we both want this to be as under the radar as possible. The money gets deposited in the Philippine bank account, minus $25,000 that we will need in cash immediately. The next day, I call in sick again and the wife boards a flight to Manila, with $10K in her pocket for immediate spending needs when she arrives. . I get what little we actually want to ship to the Philippines picked up and on its way, after which I move into a motel room for the night. I drop by the realty management office to tell them that we no longer need our apartment, and I pay them 1 months rent in advance for the trouble, which should cover the cost of cleaning the apartment. That evening, the wife calls me to tell me that she’s safely at her family’s house, and everything is going according to plan.

The next day, with everything laid out, I go to work as usual. Since my flight is at 8 that evening, I have time to kill, so while doing my work, I pick up a few things to take on the plane with me and some stuff I want to give to a couple of friends. I prepare a bill of sale for my car (for $1) and get it notarized which I will leave on one of my friend’s desks. I know he’ll either sell it or give it to his wife. With the bill of sale, I put a note telling him that there is a box stashed somewhere with stuff I want him to give to various people I work with. There are also notes for my three best friends about future plans and how to contact me in the next few weeks. These are people I absolutely trust and love, and want to do business with them in the future. Since my friend works weird hours, I’m pretty sure he won’t see either the note or the bill of sale until the next day I also pull all of the computer files I want/need off of my desktop computer and on to a thumb drive.

5 PM rolls around, and I stroll over to the corporate HQ. Since the CEO of the company is on the golf course, I head over to the Chief Operating Officers office. I stroll in, throw my work keys and ID on his desk, tell him simply, “I quit”, then walk out of the office. No goodbyes, no farewells, just slip off into the good night. Stop by the motel, change clothes and grab my bags, then it’s off to the airport. Four hours later, I’m in Manila. Two hours after that, I’m at the wife’s house in the country.

The next few weeks are spent making plans for the future. College educations are paid for in advance, and construction projects are put into motion. I make some flight arrangements for an extensive trip to the US to see family and friends. Fly to Texas and meet my son-in-law and granddaughter for the first time, and spend some quality time with my daughter seeing the sights in San Antonio. Set the granddaughter up with a trust fund while I am there, and see my daughter behind the wheel of a new car with some money deposited into her bank account. Stop by the homestead in Colorado for some back porch time with my Dad and to pay their mortgage. A quick trip to Missouri to see my aunt and pay her mortgage off. Bop up to Seattle to drop off a check to my ex-wife so that I won’t have the threat of spousal support hanging over me anymore, as well as dropping in on an old friend. Lastly but not leastly a stop for two days in Oregon to see my friends Jenna and Lindsay. My total time in America is about three weeks.

Back to the Philippines I fly, and the wife and I settle in to our new life. Contact a couple of friends in Guam about a business venture I would like to get rolling that I want them to be involved with, as a follow-up to the notes I left them when I departed. They would be the primary brains behind the venture, while I would supply the initial capital for it and the overall manager. It will also give me enough to do without getting bored, but at the same time not actually feeling like work. Supervise the construction projects that the wife and I have planned, and spend a decent amount of time wrapped up in a hammock underneath a mango tree with the wife, drinking cold beers, snuggling and doing absolutely nothing.

This is just a fantasy, but a pretty good one.

Negative Waves and Bad Karma

“Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.” – Steven Wright

Lots of negative karma floating around where I work, which is why I feel the need to get a couple of things off my chest, as it were.

+++++

There are two individuals in my department at work whose major talent seems to be sucking up to one of the executives in our company, who happens to be in our chain of command, as it were. They both deny it, but then in the same breath will shamelessly lick his ass at the drop of a hat. Both of them used to work for the executive in question when he ran another company, and apparently have a lot of experience sucking this guys balls.

Now I know that in this economy, people have to do whatever is necessary to keep a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. With that said, though, I would rather pull minimum wage as a greeter at Kmart before having to resort to blowing an executive to get ahead. I don’t have a whole lot of pride or dignity, but I do have to look at the man in the mirror in the face every morning.

I’ve always been a firm believer in the concept of working hard and letting the work speak for itself. I’ve also believed that those who have to suck dick to get ahead are the lowest of the low (unless, of course, the person in questions happens to be a prostitute, where the sucking of dick is basically part of the job description). Worse than used car salesmen and lawyers (the ass kissers, not the prostitutes). Sadly, the two individuals of whom I speak don’t feel the same way. Both of them are disgusting and I avoid even casual conversation with them. Why waste air and time on people who are utterly useless?

Kinda sad, and more than a little disgusting to watch the shameless ass-kissing/ball licking. Thinking about buying these two individuals some Tic-Tacs and some kneepads and giving them to them, just to let them know that we all know what they’re doing. It might be me, but most of us don’t like having to talk to someone whose breath reeks of penis.

++++++

Speaking of said executive, I had a small run-in with him this morning. It was a minor thing, but it just reinforced the fact that he is a weasel and a chickenshit son-of-a-bitch. It reminded me yet again, as if I needed another reminder, that my current place of employment is simply a paycheck and nothing more. Three years ago, I actually looked forward to coming to work, couldn’t wait to get there. Now, I do what I have to do, no more and no less. I avoid all of the so-called “leaders and managers”, do my thing, and try to keep my mouth shut.

++++++

There are certain things and certain songs that should never be rerecorded or even attempted. This thought crossed my mind as I was standing in line at McDonalds and heard a remake of “Achy Breaky Heart” in Chamorro. It was horrible in English, and even worse in Chamorro. If someone ever decides to release a compilation CD of “Songs to Commit Suicide To”, the Chamorro version of “Achy Breaky” would be on it. Horrible, horrible.

++++++

The planning for the company Christmas party is already underway. This is highly unusual where I work because they normally wait until the middle of November to start it. By then, all of the “good” places have usually been booked, and the folks who do the planning in our company are left to find something decent.

In spite of the title of this blog, I’m against mandatory fun (meaning social events that a person is pretty much required to attend), and I usually avoid company gatherings like syphilis. If it’s done right this time, I may reconsider. The Gorgeous One has never really met that many of the people I work with, and since we don’t go out much, it might be a good opportunity to throw some fancy clothes on, have a nice dinner, and maybe get a little drunk with some of the cool people I work with. With that said, I also have the feeling that whoever is planning the event will probably fuck it up in some way. Decide to make it a themed event that has nothing to do with Christmas, in which case I’ll once again avoid said party.

Another coffee and a smoke? Why yes, that sounds good.

Dealing With Her When That Evil Time Comes

Even though it’s a natural fact that I am not the smartest guy on the planet, a fella tends to learn a few lessons along the way. Knowledge that a guy picks up through life experiences, usually the hard way, and usually involving some form of pain.

It’s come to my attention that some of you guys out there still haven’t learned how to deal with your significant female other when that special time of the month rolls around. You know, that time of the month when your totally sweet and wonderful lady becomes a complete and utter bitch. An evil monster of a person, hormones raging, claws bared against the world. You know, when she’s “on the rag”, “riding the cotton pony”, “having the painters in”.

Well, let it not be said that Uncle Troy cannot provide some helpful information every now and then. Life and women have taught me a few lessons when it comes to dealing with the female of the species during this special time of the month, and I thought that now would be an excellent time to pass some of that hard-learned wisdom.

YOU’RE WRONG
No matter what you do or say, you’re wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Something as innocent as saying, “Hi honey” could very well end in disastrous consequences. Exhale in a way she doesn’t like, and it’s as if you got caught having sex with her sister on the White House lawn. Forget to put your dirty socks in the laundry, and it will be like you killed her beloved pet with her car right before you totaled said car as you were cruising looking for transsexual prostitutes to smoke crack with. You’re wrong. No matter what it is or what you have or have not done or said, you’re wrong. Just accept the fact and be done with it. Most of the time, this is easier said than done. Even the most patient of guys will come close to the point of snapping, but of all times, this is when self restraint is key.

SHUT THE HELL UP
Most of us men get in trouble during this special time of the month by saying something stupid, no matter how innocently it’s said. Brevity, in this case, can save a guy some pain. Don’t ask a lot of questions, and if asked about anything, keep the answer straight and to the point. An example of “keeping it short and simple” is something like this. I was watching an old James Cagney movie on TCM, when the wife, suffering from pain and feeling bitchy, asked me if what I was watching was an old movie. I could have said, “It’s called White Heat, an old gangster movie from the 30’s”. My answer instead was “Yes”. Keep it simple. Short, sweet, and to the point.

AVOIDANCE IF POSSIBLE
One of the easiest ways to stay out of trouble is to not be there. If you have a job where a lot of travel is involved, try to arrange some of that travel so that it happens when she is in the middle of her period. This is especially easy if your significant other has a regular cycle with predictable start and end dates. If that’s not possible, give your lady some space, even (and especially) in the confines of your house. Back when my ex-wife and daughter used to have their periods on the same days, I would come home from work and pretty much hide in my computer room/office every night. Bringing home work has value in that not only are you being productive, it’s a valid excuse for giving her some distance. Staying out of the line of fire simplifies things.

SUCKING UP
Along with avoidance comes lavishing. Chocolate is pretty much universally accepted as a way to get on her good side during these trying days. Know what kind she likes, and buy lots of it. Knowing what she likes specifically will eliminate the bitching that will happen if you buy the wrong type. My bride loves her some Cadbury with fruit and nuts, and I do my best to keep a ready supply available in the freezer. Smiling also helps, even through gritted teeth. If she’s not a chocolate kinda girl (and I’ve never met a woman who didn’t like chocolate), stock up on whatever her favorite snack/comfort food is. Have lots of it available at all times. Depending on what it is, cases of it if possible.

While none of these suggestions are in and of themselves foolproof, I have found that doing them can save me a lot of heartache and pain when dealing with a loved one overcome during this special time of the month.

Ladies, (the two or three who actually read my gibberish), did I leave out anything?

The Annoying Kind

There is a guy that works for my company that I have tried really hard to ignore, but his continual presence in my workspace is making it very hard to do so. Let me describe him for you, and see if you have someone like this at your job site.

The guy in question works across the street at our corporate headquarters, which is also known as The Death Star. I’m not exactly sure what his role in everything is, but I know that it has something to do with Product Development. Because of his function, he on occasion has to work with one of my coworkers on various projects, which brings him over to my office.

When the guy comes over to my building, he is never at a loss for finding fault with something in the building I work in. Every time you turn around, the guy is complaining or crying about something. “I don’t see how you guys work over here. It’s too cold.” “Oh my God, that stairwell is really bad, very dangerous.” (Aside from being a little narrow, it’s not dangerous at all). “Gracious, this coffee is so strong! How do you guys drink this stuff?” (It was afternoon coffee, not the typical jumper cables to the heart morning coffee. Afternoon coffee is brewed so that it’s like making love in a canoe – fucking close to water).

On and on, this guy finds things wrong with the place that I and the folks in my department call home. The Hilton it ain’t; AT&T it ain’t, but me and my fellow drones find it comfortable, and have gone to some effort to make it as relaxed as possible while still being functional. This weasel comes over a couple of times a week, and every single time he opens his mouth he finds stuff to cry about.

Normally, when I see homeboy in the building and I happen to be chained to my desk, I immediately reach for my headphones and let the rock block him out. My own version of “bullshit bandpass filters” so to speak, so that I don’t have to hear his incessant whining. Yesterday, I was butt-deep in some documents that were sent to me from Singapore to review, and needed to focus to catch the subtleties of what I was reading. Meaning that I couldn’t go to the headphones, and I needed to concentrate. Since the wife and I were both already in horrible moods after dealing with another dose of bullshit from the Government of Guam earlier in the afternoon, the whiners timing could not have been worse.

About 10 minutes after Sphincter Boy arrived, the whining started. Rather than make a fuss, I grabbed the documents I was dealing with and bolted for quieter environs. It was either that or revert to Grouchy Middle Age Man Mode and rip into Piece of Shit Boy. Even though I had found a quieter place, by then it was too late, as the guy’s horrible pissing and moaning had thrown me off my game completely.

Since this happened late in the work day, the foul mood at work also translated into shit getting bad when I got home. The drive home was done in a torrential rain, with visibility down to about 50 meters and nearly black dark at 6 PM. The rain meant that the normal idiot Guam drivers now went to Ultra-Idiot Mode, as if the concept of operating an automobile in a hard rain was totally foreign to those commuting home. Got home grouchy, and since The Gorgeous One was in a pissy mood already, it made for a very uncomfortable evening at home.

I’m afraid the events of the last 24 hours have caused me to deal with the whining with the most evil side of my nature the next time it happens. Nope, not gonna even try to ignore the guys’ horrible crybaby attitude. The time has come to rip off his head and shit down his neck, in a matter of speaking. If I hear one negative comment out of this guy, he’ll get told to shut his pie-hole then invited to exit the building forthwith. I’ve already ripped this guy a new one about six months ago, and apparently it’s time for me to administer another dose of reality on this asshole.

Does anyone else have to deal with a horrible piece of shit like the one I mentioned above? Someone who comes into your office and feels it necessary to dump all over the environment in which you call home for the majority of your workday?

Letting Your Geek Flag Fly

Some people tend to use the word “geek” in a negative context. Like it’s some sort of insult to be referred to as a geek. The dictionary defines the word as meaning “a person who is preoccupied with or very knowledgeable about computing” or “a boring and unattractive social misfit”.

I for one have no problem with the word in either definition. While I don’t fit the strict confines of the first definition, I have been accused of being a geek for some of my other preoccupations. As for the second definition, I’ve pretty much felt that I am outside of what many in society would consider “normal”, which I don’t have a problem with at all. Better to be unique and what I describe as “wonderfully weird” than just one more sheep.

With all of that said, I do believe that there are some newer definitions of geek that fall outside of being obsessed with computers.

Star Wars Geek
There is a big stereotype concerning this particular type of geekness; that the people who love Star Wars are truly losers. OK, I’m guilty as hell about this one. I have been known to quote lines from the original three movies, most often to people I want to offend or when it amuses me. Everyone who knows me knows that I’ll drop some Master Yoda on them in a heartbeat.

Deadliest Catch Geek
A newer obsession for many, including me. People like to talk about their favorite boat or their favorite captain, obsessing over crew members and other trivia. Even the voiceovers by Mike Rowe also come into play. “200 miles west of Dutch Harbor, sits the Assholian.” I’m not as obsessed about it as some of my friends are, but I do like to peep out the show when I can.

Who Geek
Those who know and love me know how utterly obsessed about The Who that I am. Simply put, they are the greatest rock band ever to walk the planet as far as I’m concerned. I actually celebrate Pete Townshend’s birthday every year, and “Won’t Get Fooled Again” is the ringtone of choice on my phone to delineate friend from idiots. Basically, if someone is obsessed about any band, that could be considered as geek-like behavior, but in my case it’s The Who.

American Idol Geek
People go bat-shit crazy over this TV series, something I have never really understood. I have friends who can tell you who has won and who came in second every year that the show has been on the air, some even going as far to know who released what album from the Idol alumni. While I am totally not into it at any level, I can understand the attractiveness of it.

Glee Geek
My daughter, and countless thousands of other people, have lost their collective minds over this television show. There are Glee Gatherings, where like-minded people come together and watch this program. While I have never really gotten into it, I can appreciate the show for what it is.

Software Geek
A variant on the traditional definition, describing those who are obsessed with software, especially free or cheap software. Some of my friends actually collect programs like we used to collect baseball cards as kids. I’ve heard the phrase “I’ve got a program for that” so many times, I start to wonder if they have a program that will give them a beer and a blowjob as well. (If said program exists, I’ll be wanting a copy of it).

Porn Geek
Don’t really know if this falls into the category of geekiness, rather than just categorized as “obsessively horny” or “compulsive masturbator”. Collectors of porn to a grand scale, filling up hard drives and DVD collections, even going as far as cataloging their collection and rating each and every DVD/download. Some are specific in their tastes, while some really aren’t that picky. I know a guy in Korea who has probably the largest collection of lesbian porn that I have ever seen, literally hundreds of DVD’s and many gigabytes of downloaded material. Kinda creepy in its own way, but then again, everyone has to have a hobby.

Lord of the Rings Geek
A variant of the Star Wars geek, except that these folks are obsessed with the movies and not so much the books, although many “Rings” geeks are obsessed with both. As to my personal views on the subject, the character Randall in the movie “Clerks II” pretty much summed it up nicely and hilariously.

These are just some of the examples of geekiness that are out there. I’m sure that there are countless others, but these are some of the types of geekness that I run into on a pretty regular basis. If you happen to fall into one of these categories, or there is something else that you happen to obsess about, I say let your geek flag fly. Wear it proudly, and never be ashamed of what you are.

It’s a little known fact that us geeks will someday take over the world, and those who are considered “normal” are just gonna have to deal with it.